Blog entry for:

whole new life, one that is beyond my wildest **pipe** dreams.
WARNING -- there may be a bit of daisy farting and defecation of rainbows yet to come, after all, how can i speak of recovery without expressing the Kum-By-Yah moments that are my life today. seriously though, this is one of those readings that trigger that sort of reaction in this cynical curmudgeon. add to that a forty-five minute eleventh step and how can i even being to see the darker side of my life, without putting in some energy. the path towards chaos, at least in the here and now, in my life, is momentarily ceased and i feel connected and grateful. true, i have yet to leave my house, so time will tell. i, however digress.
when i came into the rooms, i would have told you my life was okay, and in reality i believed it sucked and was grateful for the comfort that getting high gave me. i had accepted that i would never move on, be successful, form any sort of relationships and live paycheck to paycheck, always a dollar short and more than a day late. that was my life in a nutshell, and i had accepted that as reality. ironically, accepting that was SO MUCH EASIER than accepting that i was an addict and that i needed some direction in my life. resistance and rebellion seems to be hard-wired in me, i could accept that my life had nothing, more than likely because i changed my belief structure to the direction that having nothing was freedom. having no one to care for was freedom. having no education or career of any sorts was freedom. getting high whenever i wanted to, completed that “perfectly” acceptable version of FREEDOM. when that life got tossed up and scrambled like an omelette, i resisted and rebelled, i did everything i could to return to the life of freedom that was so rudely interrupted and yet the more effort i put into complying so i could go back to the life, the less desirable that life started to look. in fact when the scales tipped at about eighteen months clean, i wondered why i would ever want to return to that life at all. the reason then, as it is now, is euphoric recall. i can certainly feel and remember all the high points; dismiss the low points as anomalous; and ignore the mostly gray and uninteresting points that comprised most of my life back in the day.
not that i live a life chock full of adventure and thrills, these days, but i have come to learn a few things about myself, and i have more than a little direction in my life. sliding across the bottom for twenty-five years, took its toll, as evidenced by the oral surgery i am having Monday afternoon. as i learn how to treat myself better and clean up and repair the damage i have done to myself across the course of my active addiction and recovery, i am more and more willing to allow myself to live a better life. today, i am not sliding intro chaos anymore, as i have some Good Orderly Direction in my life and a connection with something greater and more powerful than myself. that power as manifest by the fellowship in which i dwell, is allowing to be so much more than just another junkie in denial. thanks to all my peers and the program that they kept espousing as the answer to what i was seeking, and it wasand satill is. it is after all a great day to be clean and head on over to my home group.

∞ DT ∞