Blog entry for:

this reading always takes me back to the task of contrasting what i thought i wanted and needed when i got clean with what i eventually achieved as a result of this whole recovery gig.
there was a time, when all i wanted was my old life back. i really thought those were the best times in my life. the truth is that i suffer from selective memory loss and when i start think about those ‘good old days,’ if forget about the price i had to pay. i forget about the nights sitting alone in my room, watching television and using drugs to obliterate my feelings and the incessant dialogue in my head. i forget about those times when i felt so empty that i had to go the local watering hole and cull a prospect out of the herd to satisfy a physical need and to make myself feel like a man for the moment. i forget about those times when i would say or do something and see the look of puzzlement and pain on the faces of those with whom i hung with. all i remembered was that blissful oblivion that never lasted long enough.
so what do i have today? well the obvious answer is many days in a row without having to use and the freedom from active addiction that results from abstinence. but so much more! i am building a life with a woman as equal partners in our relationship. i have real friends and i do care when i hurt them. i can admit when i make a mistake and take steps to correct it in the future. i associate with people who are looking for something more in their lives. i got the degree that i traded away to my addiction all those years ago. but mostly i have learned how to be better than i was yesterday and do what it takes to become the person i was always meant to be. i have a very broad horizon today and am no longer limited by ‘getting and using and finding the ways to get more.’ and yes i am more grateful than my inadequate command of the language allows me to express. do i want my old life back? not for a billion dollars -- although for that much money it may be tempting :))! the reality is i am for the first time in my life extremely satisfied about who i am and where i am going and that gift is more than i ever imagined was possible! and more than enough to keep me coming back for more, just for today!
∞ DT ∞