Blog entry for:

i had none of the things that give life its sense and value. i took drugs in a vain attempt to fill the emptiness inside ourselves.
after seeing up close, what it is like to be an addict using and trying to hang out with those in the fellowship, i am more than grateful, for having a life in which i am a witness that sort of shenanigans, rather than the perpetrator of them. amazingly i heard just about every spiritual principle trying to be applied to entitle someone to be enabled to keep on using. after that, the blame game started and that was more than enough for me. i certainly feel sorry and empathize, and amazingly i could see myself through the mirror of their behaviors, words and beliefs. more and more, i am grateful i have a program, i am grounded in the notion that i am worth being a member of the “no matter what” club, and that there is nothing left for me, in the so-called “good life” that i once embraced with clenched fists.
the theme of who i was, who i am and who i am becoming, keeps playing in my head. as much as i want to say that I WILL NEVER return to being the man i once was, there is a bit of trepidation about becoming the man i want to be. after all, for me change is scary. there i said it, as if that was not a well-known fact about me. the pace of change in my life lately, has just slowed to a crawl, and for that i am grateful right now. what i think is happening, is the process is giving me a minute to catch up and see where i am, before barreling full speed ahead, once again. or at least that is my hope. when i think back on the life i once had, as chaotic as it appeared, it really was dull and very static and rigid. change was not part of my vocabulary: mentally, physically and especially emotionally. in fact i did my best to keep things just as they were, for as long as possible and was mostly very successful at it, most of the time. not perfect, but keeping change to a manageable level was something i could do and i still wax nostalgically for, from time to time. i have come to find, that as a recovering person and one who does his best to live an active program, change is neither predictable or controllable, and that is not such a bad thing. i am certainly capable of surviving the pain and anguish that change may bring, as well as the joy and ecstasy it also brings, it really is a mixed bag of gifts. anyhow, to wrap this up, i have no interest, right here and right now, for getting back that old life. today i look forward to what this day will bring and i will do my best to embrace it with open arms. which means it is time to hit the showers and head on out to work. the member i referred to? well i am praying for them, that they find what they need to find, to become more than they were last night.

∞ DT ∞