¡ i have recovered something i never had, something i never imagined possible :
Posted: Sat, Jan 7, 2012 02:28:59 PM
the life of a recovering addict!
it is quite true, that is tarted this entries hours ago, and am now actually writing it, instead of watching the back-up i am running do its thing. yes, i MUST babysit that task, but it does not require my full attention.
so i have worked a bit, taken care of some responsibilities and went to a meeting, where i was reminded that the key to moving forward in my recovery is surrender. so as i chomp on a stogie and consider what that mean in my life i am brought back to the point i heard this morning when i listened to what the reading said to me. specifically that what i have been given is the result of surrendering to the fact that i am different than the other 85% or so of the human race. i am an addict, through and through and one of the symptoms of being an addict is the denial of being an addict. you know trying to alter reality y lying to myself about who and what i am. that part of me, looks to the evidence that i have not used willingly or unwillingly for thousands of days in a row, and that should be a symptom that i an not what the program says i am, that somehow i have been altered and a new reality has set in.
a new reality has set in, i am a recovering addict, but an addict nevertheless. that part of me i call addiction has trouble accepting that fact, after all it kept me safe, sort of, for all those years. recovery on the other hand, puts me into dangerous situations, where i can feel, take risks with my emotions and feel all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. most of all, when i am growing there is a chance that i may become someone i do not recognize. from the perspective of who i was when i walked into the rooms, that is certainly true. that i have any sort of success in my life, that i have any material possessions, that i have people in my life who care for me and i actually care for what happens to others, is a place i never dreamed i could be.
back in a flash!
the flash is back, as it were!
looking ahead from that place to where i am today, is quite a jaunt and exhausting at that. here is sit in the comfort of a life based in recovery, wondering how i survived all those days without recovery. wondering where i went wrong way back when and realizing, that each and every one of those days were necessary for me to ever get what i have today. the depth of my recovery, seems to mirror the depth of active addiction, and when i look at it from that perspective is see that addicts use. relapse happens. it is not up to me to judge how willing any addict is, to get and stay clean, but it is up to me, to judge how i form the relationships i have, it is also up to me,to decide when to alter the relationships i have and when to just walk away. all this beating around the bush has accomplished one thing. i may not fire a sponsee who has used, and repeatedly relapse, but i may decide that i can no longer offer any sort of friendship. removing one of the many roles i may have created with a person is not a failure, but a success. it means that as hard as i tried, as much as i invested i can walk away from that part of a relationship with no regrets. in time, i may be able to accept the role of friend again, but for now, that is not part of the picture and as sound as that sounds it is what i need to do, here and now. i am after all no longer an active addict. i am no longer as needy for approval as i once was. and i can and will take care of what i can, with the help and guidance form the POWER that fuels my recovery. what does that mean for the other party? well, he will have to find his own soft landing, as this mattress has folded up and moved on. when he finally chooses a time to call me, where i can actually speak to him, he will find all of this out and will have to come to his own terms over it. it is after all, all about me today, and more importantly about the prudent use of my limited resources. life is far too short for me to form resentments over things beyond my control, and i am exercising what little power i have today. life will go on, and i will grow into what i will grow into, the man i never dreamed of being. if that is recovery, than give me more, as i can never get enough of that, today.
so back to work, or off to the store, one or the other but not both as i have yet to be able to split into two physical beings and accomplish two tasks at once. mit is a great day to be clean.
it is quite true, that is tarted this entries hours ago, and am now actually writing it, instead of watching the back-up i am running do its thing. yes, i MUST babysit that task, but it does not require my full attention.
so i have worked a bit, taken care of some responsibilities and went to a meeting, where i was reminded that the key to moving forward in my recovery is surrender. so as i chomp on a stogie and consider what that mean in my life i am brought back to the point i heard this morning when i listened to what the reading said to me. specifically that what i have been given is the result of surrendering to the fact that i am different than the other 85% or so of the human race. i am an addict, through and through and one of the symptoms of being an addict is the denial of being an addict. you know trying to alter reality y lying to myself about who and what i am. that part of me, looks to the evidence that i have not used willingly or unwillingly for thousands of days in a row, and that should be a symptom that i an not what the program says i am, that somehow i have been altered and a new reality has set in.
a new reality has set in, i am a recovering addict, but an addict nevertheless. that part of me i call addiction has trouble accepting that fact, after all it kept me safe, sort of, for all those years. recovery on the other hand, puts me into dangerous situations, where i can feel, take risks with my emotions and feel all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. most of all, when i am growing there is a chance that i may become someone i do not recognize. from the perspective of who i was when i walked into the rooms, that is certainly true. that i have any sort of success in my life, that i have any material possessions, that i have people in my life who care for me and i actually care for what happens to others, is a place i never dreamed i could be.
back in a flash!
the flash is back, as it were!
looking ahead from that place to where i am today, is quite a jaunt and exhausting at that. here is sit in the comfort of a life based in recovery, wondering how i survived all those days without recovery. wondering where i went wrong way back when and realizing, that each and every one of those days were necessary for me to ever get what i have today. the depth of my recovery, seems to mirror the depth of active addiction, and when i look at it from that perspective is see that addicts use. relapse happens. it is not up to me to judge how willing any addict is, to get and stay clean, but it is up to me, to judge how i form the relationships i have, it is also up to me,to decide when to alter the relationships i have and when to just walk away. all this beating around the bush has accomplished one thing. i may not fire a sponsee who has used, and repeatedly relapse, but i may decide that i can no longer offer any sort of friendship. removing one of the many roles i may have created with a person is not a failure, but a success. it means that as hard as i tried, as much as i invested i can walk away from that part of a relationship with no regrets. in time, i may be able to accept the role of friend again, but for now, that is not part of the picture and as sound as that sounds it is what i need to do, here and now. i am after all no longer an active addict. i am no longer as needy for approval as i once was. and i can and will take care of what i can, with the help and guidance form the POWER that fuels my recovery. what does that mean for the other party? well, he will have to find his own soft landing, as this mattress has folded up and moved on. when he finally chooses a time to call me, where i can actually speak to him, he will find all of this out and will have to come to his own terms over it. it is after all, all about me today, and more importantly about the prudent use of my limited resources. life is far too short for me to form resentments over things beyond my control, and i am exercising what little power i have today. life will go on, and i will grow into what i will grow into, the man i never dreamed of being. if that is recovery, than give me more, as i can never get enough of that, today.
so back to work, or off to the store, one or the other but not both as i have yet to be able to split into two physical beings and accomplish two tasks at once. mit is a great day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞