Blog entry for:

willingness every day, even when i think i **got** this recovery gig down. this morning, as i sat, i considered what it meant for me to practice willingness today, after a few days clean, in a row. well, that is a minimization, as i am approaching a number of days that was well beyond the realm of possibilities, or so i believed, when i first decided to become willing enough to adopt a program of recovery. more on what that number happens to be in two days or so. anyhow, what willingness looks like today, is not all that different from what it looked like, way back when, other than back then, staying clean seemed to be beyond me.
when i was merely abstinent, i was willing enough to do whatever it took to comply with the conditions that kept me freely walking the streets. when i had “killed my number,” the plan was to return to a life of using, after all, i was not hurting anyone else, and i was clearly miserable staying clean. that misery and my lack of willingness to work a program, led to a thousand miles away from home, in a basement apartment , with a sack of my favorite dope, and not enough hours to flush it out of my system. i have to admit, that on that night, i was willing to do anything in order to not end up with a consequences. that was not my first experience with white knuckle recovery, but it became my last. my foxhole prayers tin the wee hours of that fateful morning, opened the door to a willingness to at least try a recovery program, for real. landing in a single fellowship, owning that i was an addict and asking someone to sponsor me, was my reaction to that experience. i was willing enough to do whatever it took.
that willingness turned into developing a daily recovery routine, part of which is starting off my day owning the fact that i am an addict and i require a force greater than my addiction to stay clean, just for today. as a former “wake and baker,” preparing for my day with a bit of recovery under my belt, was not all that hard to do. even today, when i consider that maybe, just maybe, today i can skip that routine, i think back and realize that as long as there was something in the stash, i “needed” to “take the edge off” of the day, before it even got rolling. my recovery routine, when i practice it on a daily basis, does that exact same thing, i get a bit of serenity and balance before diving into the real world.
i do not stay clean out of fear or superstition. i stay clean because it continues to work for me, making me a better fit, in a world that still baffles and confuses me. that world includes taking care of myself and those i love, by being a better person that i may have been yesterday. it means that i am willing to put my recovery first and allow everything else to fall into its proper place, even when i am unsure of what that place may be. when i practice a tad of willingness, everything else, is a piece of cake and i “get” another day clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞