Some memes

i feel like i **match** the people around me, i need to see myself as the best possible version of myself, today. for someone like myself, who spent most of his life attempting to look like, act like and be like those around me, it is a great relief to finally let go of all that work, and it was hard work, that if i had paid for it, i would rival some of the evil oligarchs that are ruining our country, in my accumulated fortunes. for all the effort i put into that sort of living, i got squat, except more reasons to stay in active addiction and isolated from the world around me. my desire to “fit in” may not have been diminished with recovery, BUT, i found a place where i fit in, with little or no effort, all i have to do is keep showing up and stay clean, through the recovery process.
peeking at my entry a year ago and seeing how much angst i felt about shit i had power over, but chose to leave alone, i know that i enabled an addict to live in their shit for far longer than i needed to, because i was being “nice.” they may have disagreed with that assessment, as they were way over-entitled about what they felt they were owed. nevertheless, today i see that is past, i have no remorse for what i did or did not do and am walking forward in my life, remembering that sometimes, toxic people need to be left to stew in their own shit. i may not be a paragon of virtue, but i know that i am an addict in recovery who has a life beyond my wildest dreams. as i look at what has changed since the death of my MOM a little over a year ago, i see myself coming out of the cloud of resentment and anger. i have actually moved from the place where i wanted to forgive her, for being her and actually forgiving her. as a result, her presence in my life has been diminished to the point where i can actually grieve, instead of fume. i can walk with the confidence that i am more self-assured, certainly a helluva lot more genuine and confident that i am on the correct path, which may lead to another of the world's great climbs. that notion just crossed my mind and perhaps it might be time to see where that takes me. it is a good day to walk with my head held high, knowing that not everyone will like or understand me, but i have a tribe, that will do their best to do just that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞