Blog entry for:

to see more clearly the effect that holding resentments is having in my lives, i might try imagining that i am carrying a rock for each resentment. the rock per resentment is a very tangible way for me to see how resentments affect my spiritual self. although i like to feel justified in my anger and carry a grudge or three, thinking at each of those as a burden with an assigned weight, allows me to feel that burden in real-time.
yes it would be nice to say that i am resentment free, and although that is close to being true, most of the time, i am after all human, and an addict to boot. somewhere in my past, i was taught that getting even was what it was all about, and all slights no matter how minor, needed to be addressed sometime, or i would be weak and feeble. so in order to make sure i was doing due diligence in my getting even efforts, turning anger into a resentment was part and parcel of who i was. active addiction took this quirk and magnified it into a way of living that left me angry and feeling downtrodden almost all of the time. what a lot of energy and time wasted on a whole lot of nothing, and yet i had no alternative, it was all that i knew, and doubtlessly i was drowning in a sea of reality, carried down by the infinite weight of all the resentments i carried with me. so imagine my relief when i got to the rooms and heard the members talking about letting go of resentments. of course, there was absolutely none! i still had yet to realize that i had any resents, after all i was a pretty easy going kind of guy. so imagine my surprise, after all those months believing something did not apply to me, when finally arrive on the 4th step, to discover how loaded down i was with anger and resentments. lovely quite lovely.
i would love to say that i never do that any more, but yes i still form a resentment or two, and yes i still retaliate out of the feeling that arise, and yes i have to go back and clean up my messes, so it goes…
the HOPE is that this is a behavior that is less active in my life and will become even less so as i continue down the path of recovery. so off to the real world and time to see how much weight i accumulate today.

∞ DT ∞