Some memes

i am sure to find that my reasons for keeping him are quite different. well since this is not the first time around this block, i can honestly say, that i keep my sponsor, mainly because i do not want to go through the whole building a relationship thing once again. is that the only or even the primary reason? probably not, but it is the one that springs right to my mind. even after a bit of time in recovery, i still take building trust relationships far to seriously, and as a result, i am disinclined to build many. perhaps that will also be sent to the bit bucket one day, the ironic part of how i came to choose my sponsor, is that i met him with about six months clean at my very first experience at a service meeting. i could have at the time asked him to sponsor me, but i was more than a bit intimidated by him then, and continued to be so for quite a bit of my recovery. to this day, i have very few clues about what kept me separated from the man who is my current sponsor, and the only reason i can come up with, is that through that phase of my recovery i was unable to want what he had to offer. so when i asked him to sponsor me when my last sponsor had disappeared into the wind, it was quite a leap of FAITH for me. that FAITH has been rewarded as i have found that he does give me exactly what i need when i need it. as i continue down this track, i do not have a whole lot of reasons for staying with him other than the whole trust thing. although, he has changed the direction of my journey, or at least what i thought was the direction of my journey. he has actually got me to focus on the process rather than some imagined destination. what destination? well i have come to the conclusion that although i mouth the words about being an addict for life, somewhere in the back of my head was the notion that someday i would be cured. i know, a silly thought, and one i loath to even admit that i have entertained. even right now,, that sounds so appealing to me, as i think that if i was cured, i could use like a normal person and not suffer the consequences of active addiction. as always, not that i have said that, i am amazed about how insane that thought is. good thing i have a sponsor to guide me in the direction i need to go, even though i am clueless about where that is these days. so off to face the real world and meet a few responsibilities.

∞ DT ∞