Some memes

risky or not, my experience tells me i cannot do without it. and the more i take the risk of trusting my sponsor, the more open i will feel about my life. for me the risk of trusting anyone or anything, felt unacceptable. i came to the program knowing what i knew, and what i knew was that i was untrustworthy and unreliable, so the chance were that everyone and everything else were also just as incapable of being trusted. and that FEAR almost killed me. it kept from recovery over the course of my first seven months of attending meetings, it kept from opening up to anyone, including my counselors or my very first sponsor, and most of all it kept me from developing any sort of real relationship with a HIGHER POWER. do not get me wrong, i talked a real good talk, and i went through all the motions to keep up appearances, but all the time, i was just waiting for my window to use to open up, and when that window came, i used,and i did not tell anyone about it, after all how could i trust them, then i waited for the next opportunity. living that sort of half-life was difficult, but it suited my purpose back then. that purpose was to use as often as i could get away with it, and i discovered since i was using less than every 21 days or so, my tolerance quickly left me, and the substances did more for less. AHHHHH the bad old days.
so sitting here today eleven years later, i am grateful that finally my concept of a HIGHER POWER gave me a lesson in humility, and i finally got caught, outside of what should have been the ‘usual’ window. after all, now i was forced to do something, and that something was to borrow my sponsor’s HIGHER POWER and start to trust that concept as well as my first sponsor. that trust has yet to be betrayed and it sets up in me the same sort of commitment to the men who call me their sponsor.
today i trust my sponsor to guide me along this path. the proof? i am doing a quite public bit of step work, and i am doing exactly as it was suggested to do it, not the watered down ‘LITE’ versions that were also offered to me at the same time. so trusting in my HIGHER POWER and my sponsor is a skill i have developed over time, and i am coming to trust myself too! speaking of which, i have a very busy day, so it is off to the salt mines i go!

∞ DT ∞