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worth the risk. it is quite interesting that when i read what i wrote a year ago and compared it to what i heard today, i realized that despite what i think, i have grown more than a little bit in the course of a year. instead of suppressing the need to rail against those who allegedly abused my trust and ignored my experience strength and hope, today, the pain i feel is because they are missing out on the opportunity to be more than just getting by. today, when i sat still and listened what i heard was not a replay of my journey to where i am today, but a sense of gratitude that all of my sponsors, even when i was the one that was tromping so heavily on that relationship, have given me what i need to live a program of recovery.
after a quick dictionary check, to see that i was using a word properly, i was not, i am back at that sense of gratitude. i have been and continue to this day, far from being a model sponsee. i rarely call my sponse, work steps at a snail's pace and choose not to seek him out at the meetings i know he frequents. over the course of my recovery i have learned that when i do trust him and reach out, the results are never disastrous. it is because of the example of those men, that i have moved into a place where i no longer need the men who call me their sponsor to validate who i am and that the direction that i am going is the correct one for me.
during the week, the name of a man i once sponsored came up from a seemingly random path. he forced me to look at the direction my spirituality was taking and accept that some of the time, what is considered to be “normal” for my peers, may not be be where i want to go. he was having trouble accepting what was and while i could frame what was going on in my journey with his struggles, i had yet to embrace what would become my reality. i could certainly say the words, but i had yet to come to believe, as was evidenced by my interactions with my sponsor. whether or not, he detected my distance from my fellowship's view of the spiritual world or not is beside the point. his trust in me, to carry him to a pl;ace where he could accept where he needed to go, is why i finally got through the issues that were making me look in another direction. i hope that he has found what he needed to find, because through him, i certainly did, the means to look East and embrace it, when everyone around was looking West. the hardest part of that journey, and the aspect my sponsee was having difficulty grasping was the notion that somehow he would need to compromise his vision to be a part of the fellowship. i certainly hope he got what he needed from me, and if he ever shows up again, i can certainly let him know how grateful for what he gave me, the grit and determination to see that process to its conclusion and remain a part of this fellowship.
i am at peace with where that journey took me, and although i may not see GOD, prayer and meditation the same way my peers do, i do not have to. what i needed to learn was how i could speak to my experience in the simple language of my fellowship, and not betray the vision that i have, and i have reached that accommodation.
most of what i have been taught by the men who have sponsored me, is universal. things like drinking is using, and even though i may not be using, i certainly can be in a state of relapse. notions that i am powerless over addiction and if i want the power to stay clean i need to ask for it and accept it from the POWER that fuels my recovery. among that set of core values and ideas, is certainly the idea that i cannot do this gig, without the guidance of someone who has walked this path before me. for me, the most important is the greatest sponsor in the world for me, and the time and strength he gives me, when i reach out and ask for it.time to start the journey to my home grroup, it is a good day to be clean and be a part of my active recovery.

∞ DT ∞