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i ever survived by relying only on self-interest, is where i went this morning, in a topic about learning to trust. the animosity and angst i have been experiencing over the past few days, seems to come down to the notion of self-interest and hiding behind a smokescreen of clichéd, but clever bumper stickers. i know the object of my ire, will never ask me what the problem is, and these days i do not offer up observations without being invited to do so. as i prepared to sleep last night, i had a bit of a realization. that news flash. as it were, was that it was my stuff, much of the garbage that i have left behind in my recovery journey, that was bothering me. i learned, early in my recovery, how to best use the language of recovery to cover my behaviors and hide the fact that change was not what i was here for. i was here for the “certificate of completion” and for permission to move out from under the cloud of legal troubles that was my life. when i see others playing that same sort of game, i get ticked off. the reasons behind that reaction are far from relevant and as i am letting go of their stuff and embracing my own, i certainly know who i can and cannot trust.
today, i am mostly worthy of the trust others put in me, and when it is violated, and i do violate trust every now and again, it is about trivial matters, at least in my opinion, although those others may think quite differently. this morning, after dealing with my latest obsession, i thought about how i trust others and how i came to this place in my life. my trust was something that others had to earn and the ghosts of that attitude linger still in my life. even when i want to play “can you top this” when sharing my experience, strength and hope, i am still editing my words for maximum effect and minimal insight into who i am. the trust i put into my closed mouth friends and sponsor, does not reflect in what i “give away” in meetings and to my peers, in general. i know who has my back and suspect that everyone else does not. yup, the remnants of life based on self-interest.
what i do know this morning, is that i trust the program of recovery that has brought me to this place in my life. i trust that if i let go of who i think i am, that this way of life will change me into someone who is trusting and certainly can be trusted. i accept that there is not going to be a graduation ceremony and a diploma from this 12 step recovery program, at least for this addict. what i want today, beside news of whether or not i got want i desire, is to a life less based in self-interest and more based in trust and change. what i get, will be up to me. i be awake and accept the opportunities as they come down the pike, or i can live a life in he smokescreen of self-deceit and fantasy. that choice is mine and mine alone to bring into my reality, just for today.

∞ DT ∞