Blog entry for:

to my sponsor, was one of the toughest **recovery** steps i ever to undertake. i am not by nature a trusting person and my experience in active addiction did very little to foster a sense of trusting others. i am constantly seeking **ulterior motives,** and waiting for the next shoe to drop, just so i can tell myself, **see what trusting others got you?** even though i have gone way beyond that sort of thinking and these days, that is more hyperbole than reality, the ghosts of that behavior still haunt me, from time to time. there is not anything i am holding back from my sponse, save for my lack of progress on my FOURTH STEP and i am working the if he does not ask, i do not tell paradigm to the max.
moving on, as there really is little more to cover on that topic, a few things have been weighing heavily on my mind. the first is being mandated to stay home, by the government, for my own good and the good of those around me. i am generally a “home body,” so this should be an easy thing to comply with, and yet i find myself chafing under the yoke of what i “feel” is a heavy-handed response to the current situation, after all, we are all subject to getting COVID-19 and the faster it spreads, the faster herd immunity gets built up. the fallacy in that argument goes towards the belief that because i am healthy and fit, i will be unaffected by it and my comfort takes precedence. i see examples of that in my daily life and being exposed to someone who live in a world of self-interest and entitlement, does little to make me move on to a more spiritual path. I WANT MINE, and the mine i seek today, is the freedom to do have my “normal” life back. i know there are consequence to me holding on to what i DESIRE and being a real sh!t to those around me, as i attempt to ignore, swallow and suppress my DESIRES. i also know that paying those consequences is not really something i DESIRE, typical behavior from my active addiction playbook. as i examine what it is that i am feeling and accept that what i DESIRE, is not attainable, at least in the here and now, i can settle into the “new normal” and do my part to make it less unpleasant for those around me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞