Blog entry for:

the more open i will feel about my life.
this whole topic of trust and sponsorship, sure fits in well with the past seven days of my life. that week, culminating in a very long conversation with a man who choose to allow me to sponsor him, included many revelations about myself, as well as a meeting with my sponse, that ended with me moving on to STEP TEN. at times, i felt like a bail bondsman or the cavalry riding over the hill to save the day, in the nick of time. all, of these feelings, when moshed together, just show me how human i am and how much i NEED to trust my sponsor, the POWER that fuels my recovery and the fellowship as a whole. all for one and one for all, NOT!
yes there are groups and cliques in the local fellowship, just as there are in a group of humans, including church, civic organizations or fraternal organizations. sometimes, i just want to be a part of the so-called “cool kids,” and will do whatever it takes to fit in. thanks to thee step process and trusting men to guide me through that process, that need subsides, more and more, and as a result i would rather be who i am, rather than having to try and be one of them. self-esteem and certainly self-respect, are certainly issues in this battle between being who i am, an d trying to be everything i can for everyone else. i do not need affirmations in the mirror or a life coach, to get to that place, in fact what i have that i NEEDED was the firm, patient guidance of a person who has been through the process before and shows me how each and every trip through the steps provides another layer of meaning to my life as a recovering addict. learning to trust someone of my gender, and how i could see as an authority figure has provided me the greatest gift of all, a connection with the oral and written tradition of how this process is done, that goes back to when our fellowship became its own unique entity. that tradition, specifically states that i am not addicted to substances or behaviors, rather that i suffer from addiction, all else is merely manifestations of my addiction.
so fVcking simple, why do i need to muck it up, by piling other sh!t on top of it? the short answer is: i do not!
yes i can be selfish and whisper and cut-up in a meeting, but at least i do not walk in and out of a meeting carrying on cell phone conversations. yes i may gossip and share the juicy tidbits that come my way from outside of my sponsee-sponsor relationships, for a myriad of reasons, none of which are very palatable. and from time to time, i may be derisive of those who step way out from the norm, or act like sheeple by parroting every bumper sticker ever printed and sold in our fellowship. the point being that i HAVE a sponsor, ho is there for me, that i can go to and trust HIM to c]listen to my crap and provide me a path towards solving these somewhat intractable living problems. i can also be a sponsor and provide the same service for the MEN i sponsor, with the help of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
the dilettantes, the sheeple, the cool kids and the ones that got to complicate everything by adapting the program to fit them? well they will always be here. they will struggle along with the rest of us. and to borrow a very tired bromide, just like me, they have to learn to trust their sponsors as well, else they will never get what we have to offer.
right here and right now, it is time to shower off and get rolling down the road to Boulder. yes, i can be more than i was yesterday, all it takes is a bit of FAITH and some TRUST and voilà serenity and stability, enter my life.

∞ DT ∞