Blog entry for:

does not seem to manifest in my life, when i stall on my step work or avoid talking to my sponsor. i have yet to go over my action plan assignment with my sponsor, and i get a reprieve from STEP SIX as a result. i truly hate STEP SIX and i know part of not writing down what has been put onto my heart is me avoiding a step i really find distasteful and destructive. i have already implemented the first part of my plan, so if i type it out and commit the bits and bytes to the inter-webs, it may become real.

that plan?
• stop punishing myself for accepting a lie
• pray for the person who did me wrong, every day for the next 30 days.

exactly the sort of plan i might suggest to one of the men i sponsor, so it must not be a bad start.
i have often written about trust and my general lack of trust, based on how trustworthy i feel myself to be, especially when it comes to readings such as this one, where the word is used so explicitly. because of my long term relationship with my on lack of trustworthiness, even today, i am more than a bit cynical about others, especially those who seem to be “struck clean.” more and more, i am seeing evidence that for many of my peers, that is merely the same act that i attempted to pull off, way back when. the only difference being, that i gave it up when it became to hard to handle. when i gave up building an illusion of who i thought others wanted me to be, i opened a door to a world based on learning who i am. that journey has not been pain-free or without its bumps and grinds. i know today that i believed i was “broken,” even though i never owned that as fact, until this FOURTH and FIFTH STEP cycle. i know today that if i tell myself something enough times, a lie becomes the TRUTH! well thanks to a relationship based in trust, i am no longer bound to that lie and am free to find a way to forgive myself and the person i resent, so i can leave this garbage behind me. it is part of the “magic” of this program. so it is off to the streets to pound some steps in and feel better about doing something, just for me. it may feel as if i am punishing myself, but in reality, it is a reward.

∞ DT ∞