Blog entry for:

of fear, confusion, suspicion, and indirection is certainly not a life i desire to live anymore. learning to live a program of active recovery and trusting the direction i get from my sponsor, paves the road out of that life. as i sat this morning a couple of notions popped off the stack and both had to do with people in my6 life that were dealing with the consequences of living life under the power of their self-will. both made decisions that were not healthy for them and both of them, now have to crawl back in to a world that has left them behind. one of them is hiding in plain sight and the other is returning to their behavior of demanding to be the center of the universe and having everyone in their orbit make them the center of theirs', and both are totally oblivious to what is really going on. my part in both of those situations is to pull back, say nothing and act “as if” i have no opinion or judgement, because in reality, what i think or the judgements i have arrived at, are truly none of their bidness. even though an “i told you so,” might feel good, it is not the worth the spiritual baggage i would need to take on.
i have often written about using “trust bombs” to test whether i could trust someone or not. ironically, now that i look back at that practice, i was actually testing the limits of what i was willing to share and those exercise would be better called “reveal bombs,” as i was seeing what i could reveal without imploding. those exercises are the basis of the process of coming to trust others and learning to trust myself. it was true that when i came to recovery i trusted no one and if one had any whit of intelligence, they did not trust me. time and again i got “lburned” and “burned” others. that was just the way i lived and felt that there was nothing wrong about living in that manner. the reading this morning, took me back to what i was and allowed me to see that i no longer behave in that manner, i have learned to live a life of integrity and even if i do not let someone know what i am thinking, it does not mean that i have become less trustworthy. it means that i have learned that not everybody needs to know everything i am thinking , all the time. discretion is, after all, the better part of valor.

∞ DT ∞