Blog entry for:

a life of fear, confusion, suspicion, and indirection. working with one of the men i sponsor yesterday i spoke to him about building trust with me, so that when he needed to, he could reach out and reveal his deepest and darkest. i understand being on the other side of that table, and i have gone through more than one retelling of how i came to trust the men i have asked to sponsor me. the first one, i never did trust him enough to reveal my entire self to him, and perhaps because of this our relationship never advanced very far. he took me through the 12 STEPS but i never really connected with him. my second sponsor got me through 10 steps before life on life's took its toll on our relationship, and i was bitter and resentful towards him for years on end. when he did reappear in my life, i was cold and courteous, but never doubted for a minute, that the trust i had developed with was ever violated. his actions led me to my third and current sponsor, with whom i had already developed a relationship with, before i started working with him as a sponsor. in the long run, i see that this was how it was supposed to be, and having to learn to trust at least three different men, across the course of my recovery, opened me up to my peers in general. not that i tell every stinking secret i possess to every one of my peers, but i certainly act and speak as i am more often, not as i would have them think i am.
this journey to trust has been reinforced by this step cycle. where once i wrapped myself in a mantle of service, now i reveal to many, that i am no different than they are. i am riddled with insecurities, doubt and yes even fear. i am cynical, sarcastic and from time to time, a royal pain in the a$$. i am also loyal, trustworthy and supportive and this mash-up of what some consider “positive” and “negative” attributes is who i am and certainly who i am becoming.
what i am hearing these days, or better put, “feeling?” well first and foremost, this “pause” between step cycles has been good for me. as i see where i was and where i am, i am grateful that i did not think myself into the next round. i am not so happy finding out how status and material driven i seem to be, nor am i thrilled that i carry do many biases and prejudices. coming to terms with my humanity seems to be coming up a whole lot these days and i am getting to the place where i am getting uncomfortable with those unpleasant facts of life. i feel as if i am on the threshold of something, but when i consider that statement, i know that feeling is nothing new, just a rehash of where i have been before. i could go on about what this feeling may or may not be, instead i think i will just sit with it and allow myself the freedom to figure it out “on the fly.” i do know this: it is time to spend some time with my sponsor and get a bit of his perspective on what i am feeling and where, if anywhere, i need to be going.

∞ DT ∞