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i have to admit that as a using addict, i was hardly rick adverse. in fact, one might say that i courted risk, just for the thrill of either getting away with something or getting getting an adrenaline rush. one thing i never took a risk with, however, was trusting anyone to do what i wanted them to do. i manipulated and gamed them to ensure i would get exactly whaat i thought was coming to me. getting clean hardly moved that needle off of empty, as i was certain in my delusion that everyone was out to get me by reporting what i shared to my probation officer. la-de-dah, what an awful manner in which to live. having come to a point in my life, where the risk of getting caught was outweighed by having the freedom to walk the streets, i finally mad the choice to trust the man i chose to sponsor me. i still was more than a bit wary about trusting him, but i was certain that something needed to be altered and the choice i made in that moment, was to trust one person, to see where it might lead. i have yet to regret that decision.
this morning, as i drove down to the office, i had more than a few minutes to contemplate the whole issue of who i can and cannot trust. i have yet to move into “trust but verify” mode, but i am less wary about trusting my peers and most of my family members. i have been burned a few times by my niece, but my relationship, such as it is today, has three more weeks to go. i really want to be able to trust her, but each and every time i do, i end up on the short end of the deal. i am really surprised that she does not realize that everyone that is dealing with my Mom's house is informing on her “antics,” and when confronted about what they say, she justifies, rationalizes and goes into martyrdom mode, which is a behavior i understand very well, as it is part of my repertoire and may not be current behavior, but certainly is one that is easy for me to lapse into, with little forethought or effort. that is not how choose to live today and by not engaging with her about her less than stellar behavior, i get the freedom from my self-obsession.
moving into the here and now, i have to get going on my next project at work. a bit of coffee and bit of Twitter and a bit of a walk, will prepare me to face my day. for me, today is a good day to walk the path of recovery and work on being the best person i can be. i will allow the world to spin as it will, as i walk through this day and see where i end up when all is said and done.

∞ DT ∞