Blog entry for:

i will risk trusting my sponsor, today and have FAITH that is WHAT i NEED to do.
so the weekend went way too fast and yesterday seemed like it would never allow me any time for myself. between running all over the state, sponsees and work, when meeting time came i was so relieved that at least for an hour, i could sit down, tune out to the rest of the world outside of that room and just listen, and that is what i did,
WAH - WAH - WAH!
this morning, i still have a bit of the frantic hangover permeating my emotional state, but this too shall pass. it really is not a bad energy to have for heading into work this morning, and it will be useful for me to harness a bit of that fanatic franticness, to accomplish some of the stuff i need to accomplish this morning.
learning to trust. not a place i wish to more than once.to this morning, as this is material i have covered more than once. i TRUST my sponsor, although the process is very slow for me and not without a hiccup or two.
sponsorship? once again a very well covered subject and one that i will wrap up by saying i am calling mine today.
so what does that leave? well a tangent or two, namely the whole part of trusting that the process of the steps will enable me to grow into the person i have always wanted to be. one of my friends asked me last night where i was at. i looked at my feet and was about to give a pat, smart-ass answer, when i realized that what he wanted to know was if i was still stcuk in the FOURTH STEP. yes i am still waiting to start writing the actual inventory about what may have been the darkest days in my life. the FEAR i feel about looking at that timer, at times overwhelms me, and good intentions aside, i divert and distract myself with work, service and sponsees. certainly looks good on paper, but do not try this at home, kids, it is not recommended for addicts in recovery at any age! knowing this, feeling this, i am finally getting to the place that not doing is producing enough pain, that doing becomes my best option. my tolerance for spiritual and emotional pain has been reached and i am acting out on all sorts of defects of character, that i once believed has been removed, or nearly removed. especially intolerance and being judgmental. the resentments are piling up and no one seems to be able to show me the way to return to the spot where i feel connected and balanced. where doe that leave me? not very well off, and i am grateful that i have become habituated to daily maintenance of my program so i have a bit of grace. what would i tell one of he men i sponsor, if they found themselves in such dire straits? well write the dang step, no one has ever died from a FOURTH STEP, even though it may feel like they wanted to. i can resolve to do so, but that does not make it happen. i can put it on my to-do list, but that also does not make it happen, what i NEED to do, is JUST DO IT and be done with it and that just may be what i will do this evening. i know where it will go, i know some of what is there and i am ready to be rid of it, FOR SURE.
so time to relax a bit and allow the bus to take me to where i need to go and yes TRUST that i am being cared for, today,

∞ DT ∞