Blog entry for:

in the beginning, it feels risky to trust another addict.
in the beginning? honestly i still sometimes have trouble trusting another addict, but today that happens on a case-by-case basis, based on experience instead of right up front. HOWEVER, the reading was not about trusting just any other addict. it was about trusting a specific addict, my sponsor, or in my case the men who have sponsored me over the period of days that comprises my recovery. although these days trusting my sponsor has become almost second nature, even as i was developing my relationship with me current sponsor, i went through the elaborate dance of dropping a ‘trust’ bomb and waiting for his reaction. what i was looking for was evidence that no matter what i told him, he would not judge me or deny me his experience. and although the relationship has grown over time, i was still to insecure until recently to trust my sponsor unconditionally. so when the men i sponsor do the same dance with, i am beginning to understand why. my experience shows me that they too are in that place where learning to trust is perceived as too risky and fraught with peril.
so today i am sitting here, pondering the imponderable, and wondering if i will ever be able to trust someone, especially another addict without terms and conditions. i know that this is a program of progress, and i know that i am better at trusting than i was, but still the doubt that i will ever get any better lingers in the recesses of my addict mind. when those doubts arise my only tool to combat them, is of course to trust another addict with what is going on inside of me. and that is where the delicious irony is created -- i have trust issues and yet i have to trust another addict.
so my course for today, well trust the my HIGHER POWER has provided me the means to stay clean and recover, and one of those tools is the relationship with my sponsor. i can trust him and all i have to do is do it!

∞ DT ∞