Blog entry for:

i will no longer be frightened, and my recovery will flourish in the full light of self-awareness. although the reading is about the fourth step and the fear involved in doing a searching and moral inventory, and since i am past a fourth step in this current step cycle, i could play my game and ignore what i heard today and move along. however, what i heard today was the fear of revealing my "true" self to myself can paralyze me, and prevent me from allowing changes to occur. my process right now, is much more frightening to me, than any imagined fears about the fourth step i may work in the future. here i sit, near the completion of the seventh step, trying to digest exactly what is going on inside of me, and wondering what the the final result will be. of course, doing so, is such a silly exercise in futility, and yet it is one that i do on a daily basis. it is almost as if i have not learned that when i ask humbly to have shortcomings replaced with their spiritual opposites, i am always pleased with the final results. the pain in this process comes from my lack of surrender, and my need to hold on to what i already understand and have accepted.
so FEAR and rigidity are trumping FAITH and flexibility. even though my experience has been that when i let go, and i mean truly let go, and surrender to the ongoing process, i feel less pain, and gain a greater sense of self-awareness. heck, i even become more genuine, and whole as a result of surrendering to the process. after all, FEAR is what got me here, you know, fear of going to prison, but fear no longer keeps me here. it is FAITH that keeps me coming back, FAITH that the process can continue to work for me, FAITH that in the long run, becoming a person true to myself is a worthwhile accomplishment, and FAITH that no matter how uncertain i feel about what is going on, it is better to allow it to happen.
so for me, i guess i need to move forward into my day, prepare myself to surrender and see what i acn accomplish before i hit the bed tonight!

∞ DT ∞