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i am quite sure i would find the same struggles, after all, i am no better or worse than anyone else.
i am quite sure that is a fact, in general. in reality, when compared side by side, i can certainly find aspects of me that are better or worse than those around me, however, no matter how accurate that statement is, the reading was not about humility. no what i heard this morning was all about courage. living a life full of FEAR, was how i came to recovery. fear of being found out, fear of appearing less than, fear of ending up in a cardboard box on the street, friendless and homeless, and fear that there was no real end in sight for my all consuming hunger to get high. the one thing, that the other 85% does not get, is that hunger, and the relief i felt when that hunger was satiated for 20 minutes. that and that alone is what makes me an addict. no amount of willpower, rational thought, medication or talk therapy could change that fact. so when i finally came to terms with that, i was told, that IF i wanted what i saw others here in this fellowship having, THEN i needed to do what they did. there is NO ambiguity in that statement. NO choose what i like and leave the rest. NO “personal” program of recovery. NO unique take on the steps, merely do what those who walked ahead of me, showed me.
when it came time to do my second FOURTH STEP, which was my first in this fellowship, i was undeterred, because by that time, i was entirely miserable in my recovery, even though the hunger had been quieted down to the place where i barely notice it, most of the time. i already had achieved some serenity, but the personality change that i needed was still elusive and certainly not on my radar at all. looking back, had i known what i know today, i would have been a whole lot more willing to move with dispatch through the FOURTH and FIFTH STEPS, instead of lingering and procrastinating, like i did.
it saddens me to see the message and the power of this program of recovery, be cheapened by well-meaning counselors and therapists, who recommend drug replacement therapy, instead of personality change. for someone like me, substituting on for another, or choosing what elements to adopt and what to leave behind, is certain to lead to failure. what is failure to me? RELAPSE, plain and simple! i am clean today, because i CHOOSE to be. i GET to make that choice, because i am clean today, the classic chicken and egg bit. some days are better than others, and today, well today, is a good day that will end with me enjoying a free cigar and some time away from the fellowship in the company of the other 85%. i can be more than i was yesterday, but i am never anything more or less than an addict, who despite the odds, is choosing to live a program of recovery, as i was taught to do, by my peers who were here before me. fear of discovery is no longer operating in my life and the fear of what i might uncover, when i choose to look deeply within myself, is balanced by the anticipation of the growth that those revelations will kick off. it is a great day to be clean and i am off to the races, be well my friends and see you on the flip-side.

∞ DT ∞