Blog entry for:

of the Fourth Step, is not a topic i am comfortable writing about, but it is certainly part of my motivation for stalling at the doorstep of writing this step out. it is not like this is the first time i have been here, but this time it feels different as i have a sense that what will be revealed will go way, way back, to long before i ever used for the first time. i know that uncovering how the stories i have come to believe are “true” will release me from the grip they have exerted for decades on end. i also know, from my experience, that being freed from that influence, will not destroy me or turn me into someone i do not want to be. and yet…
i am seeking a distraction, or more than one and the waiting game that was initiated yesterday by my biopsy, is the perfect foil. living for those results, has already got me future-tripping about what my life may become. of course, the path i take, is that it is Stage FOUR, incurable and far too advanced to do anything but live my final days out in brazen hedonism. the creeping malaise i felt yesterday afternoon, played right into that scenario, even though it was probably a combination of lack of sleep and the massive dose of antibiotics i was dosed with, as part of the procedure. where my head went, however, that this is the beginning of the end. it played very well with my unease with looking at myself and writing on my step.
this morning, as i sat, i felt and head nothing but the quiet and calming void. for me this rarely happens. i could read all sorts of things into that experience. what i CHOOSE to see that as, is a gift as i got a break from all that is going on inside my head. those twenty silent minutes, kept me from considering the unknowable future and the overwhelming past. i am will act on that quiet and take it into my day, seeking the relief from the FEAR and ANXIETY that has consumed me over the course of the past few days. balance and reality, can be my watchwords today. looking to let go of what is not, is certainly a proper task to fill my waking hours. one never knows what will happen, when one lets go. perhaps i can build on my FAITH, allow myself the FREEDOM to surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and just be. the day is young and my direction has been set, let's how well i can go where it may lead.

∞ DT ∞