Blog entry for:

that there is a monster inside of me that, if released, will destroy me. on the other hand, i could have FAITH that this darkness within, on being released will be dissipated into the nothingness it really is. yes the argument i am presenting here is the FAITH as an alternative to FEAR. before i really get rolling i have a quick aside. i am grateful that i GET to have a service commitment this evening, so i do not have to hear members who have yet to ever work a FOURTH step share about how much they ‘like’ this reading.
the irony of being someone, talking about replacing FEAR with FAITH, does not escape, as i am not one of those who comes to my FAITH readily. i am not some sort of holy-roller nor do praises of a HIGHER POWER constantly drip off my tongue, and yet, this morning i see how this whole issues resolves down to the depth of my FAITH. which as i progress through the days clean, becomes deeper, as well as more broad. not that it even begins to equal the mighty Mississippi River at flood stage, BUT figuratively speaking it is deep enough and broad enough to carry me through any step work, not only the FOURTH.
i was told over and over again, way back in the day and across the course of the many days that have come to make up my existence in recovery, that FEAR is a lack of FAITH, what is it exactly that i am supposed to have FAITH in, anyhow? is it some spirit in the sky? some religious construct? neither of those alternatives were palatable way back when, and as i grow up in the rooms and learn to think for myself and stop being a party line parrot, they are even less palatable today. what i have come to have FAITH in, is first and foremost that this program CAN and DOES work for me,. it performs the miracle of keeping my clean, just for toady. it transforms me from the wretch i once was, lacking a conscience and living in hedonistic self-will, into someone who can and does contribute something to the world around me. it is the program where i first found FAITH based on irrefutable evidence, there were people just like me, who as a result of living the program, has no need to use anything and even more amazing no longer acted like they did not care what their actions did to the world around them. they told me that although it was through living the program that they got to where i saw them, it also was necessary for me to resolve my issues with the spiritual and the divine, if i wanted what they had. no i had to come to this or that, just that i had to work through the issues i had, and live according to that path. taking them at their word, i have come to where i am comfortable today, having FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery WILL give me what i NEED and that when i come to a place in my step work that threatens my existence i WILL be given whatever, to allow me to survive and grow into what i am growing into, namely a self-supporting, participating member of society. as the layers of social culture are sand-blasted from my hide, i GET that this is THE only path to enlightenment for me. i GET that NOTHING from outside of me will foster the change i NEED to survive yet another day, and better yet, THRIVE as grow into something more. all of that and more, continues to drive my FAITH and allow me to replace my FEAR. do not misread what i am trying to say. i still have plenty 'o FEAR, however i am no longer FAITHLESS and that is what drive my need to be more of who i am. which brings me to the end of this little ditty, i am not the man i walked into the rooms anymore, and i am worthy of doing what i need to do, to be healthy, wealthy and wise. so even though it is drizzly out, even though it is cool and cloudy, it is a good day to go run. after all, it is part of my amends to me, and if i spout that sort of stuff to my sponsees, than i am obligated to take care of it myself. so long and thanks for all the fish!

∞ DT ∞