Blog entry for:

black pit of selfishness and hatred, far from an appealing image for someone learning what he is all about, but not that far off the mark when i decide to drop into self-deprecation. ironically, this is not what usually happens when i am actively writing a FOURTH STEP, so there really is no FEAR of what i might uncover as i delve into the deepest, darkest corners of my psyche. even though i used that as my “seed” as i sat, what i heard really had nothing to do with FEAR of finding out who and what i am. at this point in my recovery, all i learn about myself is an extension of what i have already uncovered, a fleshing out of the details that have previously been revealed.
what i carried forward into this morning was an appreciation for who i am today. as i have learned to live a program of recovery, i rely less on what others may think of me and even though i always seem to DESIRE to “look better than i am doing,” it actually plays a diminishing role in how i view myself. seriously, if i did not care how i looked to others, i would have to be beatified and put up onto a pedestal as an example of the “perfect, recovering addict.” 😉 😇
as i started my daily dive into the news, what i was struck by was how fragile the whole conservative, populist persona seems to be. the slightest breeze seems to tip those “types” over and force them to leave all reason and logic behind, appealing to what appears to be their greatest fear: becoming irrelevant. i mean i am not overly thrilled by the number of straight white guys that are in the race for the chance to run for president and i am really puzzled why two of those candidates are from Colorado. i am however, grateful for such a large field, as it starts a conversation of who will represent in the next election cycle. i know that as reality sets in, the field will quickly winnow down to a manageable number, especially for those who lack the ability to generate any grassroots funding or passion. what all of this creates in me, is a desire to go melt a snowflake or two under the brutal lamp of how their guy is making everyone but the tycoons, poorer and less relevant, every single day.
anyhow, i guess i really do not have a whole lot to say today. yes i am not as well as i would like others to think i am. no i am not living in a pit of depression and angst about where the country is headed. yes, i am ready to find a new manner of making a living. no i am not going to up and quit. yes i am certain, i can be a better person today, and yes i may even be able to surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞