Blog entry for:

actions and motives, as i try and make some sense out why i do what i do. the reading appears to be all about the FOURTH STEP, but what i heard was to find the means to release the FEAR i experience, when i actually look at what i am doing and dig into my motives for choosing a course of action.
i have said it often enough that it should just be one of my tropes, it is more important to look good than to feel well. i want everyone to see everything that i do or initiate as elevated above the norm. even when i do something, because my itsy-bitsy feelings got hurt, or perhaps better put, WHEN my feelings get hurt. i seek revenge, but do so in a very passive-aggressive manner and make sure i fire the first shot, so those who have wounded me, get little or no chance to prepare for my onslaught of destruction. when i step back and separate what i am doing, from who i am, i see that my motives are far anything but pure, even though i may be appearing to do something that is of benefit to my fellowship or community. my exercise of self-will, negates anything good that may arise, because i will live in the FEAR of being found out. coasting on the coattails of others, because i am not strong enough or secure enough in my own right, is how i choose to manipulate the situation, to ensure its successful outcome. all the time i can rationalize and justify my behaviors with a limited echo chamber where i ask only the questions i know the answers to already. i GET to feel good because i deny the TRUE reasons for my action and obfuscate my motives under a huge pile of spiritual camouflage.
HOPE, arises from a searching and fearless inventory and the FEAR of that inventory may bring is enough to keep me from doing so, whether in a formal FOURTH STEP or part of a daily TENTH STEP. if i can detect my fraud, what does it say for me keeping others in the dark with my jazz hands and tap dancing? that was of course a rhetorical question and the answer in my case happens to be about the same chance a snowball has in the fiery pits of doom and damnation. today, however i have the means to walk through my FEAR and take my own advice.
]one of the tasks i have in front of me, is to provide a bit of encouragement to a friend who is suffering massive disappointment, because he got the answers to a question, that were not to his liking and is suffering from the slings and arrows of unpleasant feelings, without discounting those feelings in and of themselves. what he is feeling is valid, encouraging him to continue on the path of recovery, regardless of this particular outcome will be a tightrope i need to walk and my FEAR is that i will come off cold and callous. a bit of quiet contemplation as i choose what i say to him, will be the path i choose to take today. in the long run, i will be better off for offering what comfort and support that i can and my motives are not necessarily to make him feel better, but to help him find a place of acceptance and a path out of the darkness, just for today.

∞ DT ∞