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way to live takes on a different meaning when one stays clean for decades. in the minute or so i have been clean, i have more than enough experience in my own recovery journey to see that is so fVcking true. i have yet to reinvent myself, but i have certainly survived enough twists and turns in seeing the part i play in the grand scheme of things, that at times i have been more than a bit dizzy and left puzzling out, where i next need to journey. it took me nearly five years to accept that i truly belonged in recovery, another ten years before i found my spiritual path and an additional ten years to expose the lie i had been living since i was five years old. the times between those various milestones were hardly empty or devoid of growth, just not the tectonic shifts, i have already mentioned.
these days, while i live a program of daily maintenance, i still find the Earth is shifting under my feet, and who and what i thought i might be, turns out to be nothing like i thought it might be. that is certainly okay, as i am coming to enjoy not knowing what may be coming from down in the depths of myself, as i remove the barriers, layer by layer, day by day, just for today.
life in my skin is not terrible today and the new way of living that i was promised a long, long time ago, is nothing as i expected it to be. here is where i could insert a quick inventory about what i have received since i got clean., came to in recovery and decided to make it my life's path. i have neither the patience or desire to start that list this morning, save for the opportunity to live this day in the present tense, seeking out the opportunities i may be provided to get what i need and perhaps even what i want.
stepping back bit into insanity, i am left wondering if i did the correct thing yesterday when i cut my niece off from real-time communication. for me, i am more certain today that it was what i needed to do. for her? well not so much. i know having to read and respond to an e-mail, allows me the time to consider what i want to say, edit it to say what i mean and take out all the harshness and bitterness in the truth as i see it. i have no power over what she thought of felt when she got my missive and when or if she responds, i will be able to breathe, consider and respond, rather than react. i know that i do not have to answer a txt in real-time, but i still do. i also know that in this new manner of living, if there comes a time when i feel as if i am healthy enough to allow contact in real-time with my niece, i can also remove that boundary. anyhow, it is time to put this to bed and get rolling on earning my daily bread. it is a good day to be seeking a new way to live, just for today.

∞ DT ∞