Blog entry for:

i am afraid that if we examine our actions and motives i will be destroyed by what i may uncover. i am having trouble getting this rolling this morning, as i am being social when i am not quite ready to be social, so it goes.
reading this entry i heard the stuff about FEAR of a 4th Step, FEAR of what i will find, FEAR of what i will not find and just plain old garden variety FEAR of change, needing to change or the results of change that is beyond my power. i really hate living in FEAR, even though i lived in FEAR for most of my recovery to date. it has only been the past few years where i moved from a program based on FEAR of relapse to a program based on FAITH in the necessity to change and the HOPE that such change would be beneficial to me.
this change in outlook was not something that i planned, and although i could have predicted it, as i have observed it in others who walk a similar path, i believed that it was beyond me. i had the reservation that although staying clean and working a program of active recovery was paying off, that the fundamental change from FEAR to FAITH would never occur for me. this miracle, this paradigm shift to use a well-worn current cliché, was something i was unprepared for, and as many who are close to me have discovered, it was something i did not handle very well.
on this side, it is quite evident to me when and what happened, and i have clues about where it is going, clues may be one thing, but i am doing my best to shut down whatever expectations i have a tendency to develop about where this will leave me. getting here, in Rock Springs, Wyoming; May 15, 2010 has been quite a journey through time as well as through space and through a spiritual path where all i can see is my next step, not necessarily where that step will take me.
by examining myself in my daily inventories as well as when the time comes to do another 4TH step, i get to see where i am, and what the path i have been on has led me to. there really is nothing to FEAR within anymore, i have FAITH that whatever i discover about who this man happens to be will be good for me, not harmful. FEAR, however is such a persistent force in my life, like those stinky beat-up but very comfortable pair of shoes that i just have to wear, i am familiar with FEAR. FAITH and HOPE. while attractive are different, hence something that i wish to avoid, after all different is not necessarily good, except in this case. i can write that without a doubt in my mind and truly move forward believing that. i really do not want to turn into one of those bitter dinosaurs, screaming to all those who are in earshot, that the service structure is out to disenfranchise the common member. i have come to believe in the process, and am once again becoming comfortable with the idea that i NEED a POWER greater than me, to restore me to sanity, so as this process continues to work its magic within me, i will walk in the light of HOPE that i can be more than i was yesterday, if i allow it to happen, just for today.
so it is time to jump into the shower, get something to eat and prepare to share my experience, strength and hope about my recovery journey, even though there is a part of me that wonders if i really have anything to say.
insanity and doubt are still a part of me, so i think i will do the next right thing and sign-off from Wyoming, secure in the knowledge that i am right where i am supposed to be.

∞ DT ∞