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i can bring it out into the open. i will no longer be frightened, and my recovery will flourish in the full light of self-awareness. so i was asked to speak last night at our local speaker meeting and as usual i had quite the plan about what i was going to share about. as usual, all of those prepared jokes, gipping and compelling stories, and emotional roller coaster rides i had so carefully crafted were gone when i opened mouth. so what does speaking off the cuff have to do with writing a fourth step? well what i heard this morning as i pondered the reading was that FEAR is my enemy, and yet FEAR is one of my constant companions. it is FEAR of failure that keeps me from taking risks, it is my FEAR of success which allows me to sabotage my professional and recovery lives. it is FEAR of what others may think that keeps me concerned about appearances. and it is FEAR of relapse that keeps me at this manner of living from day to day. of course that is the dark side, and it is more than a little hyperbole, while i am being honest that those FEARS and many more are part of my living day to day, their relative importance to how i decide what to do and when to do it has been greatly diminished. i know that in math, there is a principle of looking at an equation that is approaching its limits and using that value as the answer. and with that mind, in the long run, given infinite time and maximum effort, these FEARS will approach nil. for all practical purposes, acknowledging them is all that is necessary in my life, since their sum is still greater than nothing, however much less that it was four thousand days ago. this may seem like a non-sequitur, but i am getting there, hang on tight curve ahead!
so it the sum of my FEAR that makes me plan on what i will share at any given moment, and especially when i know in advance that i have thirty minutes or more to speak. in a meeting, i am more off the cuff, and given my choice i would be less off the cuff stream of consciousness when i do extended shares, HOWEVER the POWER that keeps me clean has quite a sense of humor in this respect, if that is at all possible. when i start to do extended shares -- i am once again back to a blank page and i say whatever happens to come out, no matter how much i have planned and plotted to be more than that. i am beginning to come to the conclusion that i am a tool here, no not in that sense, a tool that is being used by that same POWER to carry a message that comes from beyond my human mind. as such, i just need to hang on and accept that as fact and move forward. so i see my once lofty dream of being a circuit speaker not being fulfilled, and although there is a bit of sadness in that, there is a bit of relief, after all, if that is not what i am, then i do not want to play a part that does not fit.
so anyhow, i am not a monster, nor am i saint, i am just one more addict who is recovering, doing my level best to live a program and stay clean today. so it is off to the streets to work off a bit of tension and stress before sitting down to my busy, busy day.

∞ DT ∞