Blog entry for:

are, from time to time, terrified to look at ourselves, to probe our insides.
yes, the frightful adventure to the inner workings of me, myself and i, can certainly look ominous and something to avoid, BUT, and it is a big one, it is something that i have chose to take time and again. the result of that journey has always been worth the cost. and the expectation of the terror it would entail, has always been much worse than what actually happened.
there is a whole lot more i could write here, about how healing, cleansing and life-changing the FOURTH STEP process is, however, many of you already know that and to rally around the flag boys, is not what i am about today. YES, the FOURTH STEP may look frightening. yes the FOURTH STEP is fraught with pain. and yes, i am grateful for each and every FOURTH STEP i have taken, and i am not relishing my next one, even though all of the above is true.
as i walk away from the cheer leading and the preaching to the choir, what i am left with is humility. i can be arrogant and egotistical. i can be judgmental and self-righteous. all of that is quite true, and there are times when i find relief in each and every one of those behaviors. at other times, i see how damaging those behaviors can be and shy away from them. in truth, that is who i am. no the POWER that fuels my recovery has not changed those shortcomings into assets, what a ridiculous notion, but what has happened is many times i have a choice about how far i want to go. it is interesting when i hear some of my peers sharing about themselves with apparent glee, about the same shortcomings i find disturbing and i wonder what it is that they happen to be thinking. of course that takes me on a voyage of judgements, which often arrives at the port of self-righteousness, which feels like a regularly scheduled journey. once again, i am back where i DO NOT want to be.
knowledge of and the ability to detect that particular train of behaviors, is a result of the FOURTH STEP. it was not until i saw myself naked of denials and the drug-induced imaginings i had created that i was capable of doing anything about what i did,m and who i thought i was. as i, quietly sat through the meeting the other night, i was amazed at the number of attitudes and behaviors i saw in others, that i have grown less than fond of in myself. what struck me the hardest, was watching my peers with time, encouraging the distractions, rather than doing what they could to diminish them. yes my judgement journey was in full bore ahead mode, and nothing save the end of the meeting, could stop it. when i did my TENTH STEP that evening, i was remorseful over the fact that i actually heard very little of what was shared, even though i had deemed it irrelevant, trivial and nothing more than the white noise of party-line parrots.quite the place to end up, and one i am not especially proud of. i go to meetings to hear what i need to hear, to foster my recovery. i do not go to meetings for the newcomer, nor do i go to meetings to impart my wisdom, such as it is, to the assembled masses. when i slip off of that particular pedestal, i am apt to start that journey, into my heart of darkness, that much quicker, and end up walking out of the meeting wondering if there was a better way to spend that hour.
anyhow, a bit of introspection there and certainly more than enough for me to let resonate as i walk through the rest of this day.

∞ DT ∞