Blog entry for:

for the choice of how i use my limited resources, after all, i cannot be in two places at one time. once upon a time i was victim to way too full life, even without a committed relationship. no i am not speaking of the time before recovery. active addiction was mostly a waste of time and an empty expanse of finding the ways and means. i am not speaking of my time in mere abstinence, as that was a time of looking busy to look good and as if i was doing this recovery gig. no, the era of which i speak was when in early recovery, i decided i would create an identity as a “service junkie” who put his needs behind that of the fellowship that was providing me a new manner in which to live. i was going to the University of Colorado full-time, working thirty hours a week, going to a meeting just about every day and taking every service position under the sun. i was keeping busy to keep myself clean, or so i thought. somehow i had got the notion that being busy was a great replacement for living a program of recovery and certainly better than using. once i started a relationship, i was sunk.
it still took another five years to finally let go of what i thought those around me wanted me to be and another fifteen before i let go of what i though i “should” be. today, i am self-supporting and think for myself. i was once taught that if someone tells me something, i need to rationally evaluate what they are saying, before i accept it as any sort of reality. i can stand-up for myself and my beliefs and better yet, when i find that possibly what i believe may be wrong or harmful to myself or others, allow myself the freedom to change my belief. where once my identity or lack thereof was written in stone. the belief structure i had was based on being anything but who and what i was.
this morning as i sat, what bubbled up to the surface was a bit of anxiety of over my job and my health. it feels as if i am on my last legs at work and the whole melanoma diagnosis is playing hard against that background. what i “felt” when i got up to fix my breakfast was to do the best with what i got and leave all that stuff behind me. i will work hard, at work. i will play hard when i am not at work and i will be of service to those who rely on me. life is too short to be worried about what i cannot control and to ignore what i can. just for today, i will be self-supporting, stand up for myself, take responsibility for everything that i have a modicum of control over and leave the surrender the rest into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞