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...and a fully developed spiritual life to manifest itself overnight i cannot undo the damage in a day. so looking back and thinking back, this is one of those readings that comes at the absolute perfect time in my annual recovery cycle, or the absolute worst, depending on how i choose to feel it.
the unchanging fact to date, is that this reading comes twenty-six days before my clean date anniversary. do not misread that last statement or read anything into that. to date, my clean date has been unchanging, i am still as choose to using again, as i ever was, and that would of course move my clean date, if i was strong enough to walk back into the rooms and stick.
bit i digress…
so this morning, on this wonderfully damp and gray day, i am sitting here writing this, and wondering whether or not to brave the weather and go out for my work out. i am leaving that particular decision in the back of my conscious self and moving into focusing on this task.
yes, i, like many others, sometimes feel that the pace of my recovery is somehow not fast enough, deep enough or long enough, i still amaze myself bu some of the idiotic things i do, i say and most of all think. and my journey towards sainthood seems to have gone nowhere. so along comes this reading, reminding me, that such expectations are far from realistic, and that i am, after all, just a human, as well as just another addict in recovery. the place that drives this addict towards is one of gratitude:

1. for having the means to combat the victimization of my active addiction.
2. allowing myself to see the journey is the important part of this process, not the destination
3. and finally that as a human, i will never live up to those perfectionist ideals that i have generated for myself, nor do i need to

my job is to do the best i can today PERIOD. all of those expectations of where i should be as i approach 4000 days clean or even eleven years clean are premeditated resentments towards myself and not a healthy outlook. HOWEVER, that does not mean that i stop trying to live up to those ideals, to so any less would be a death of a sort that i am unwilling to face.
the path before me today is clear, do my best to be the man i have always wanted to be, go out and get wet as i do my work out and be present for whatever comes down the pike toady. more than enough for this addict today!

∞ DT ∞