Blog entry for:

beginning to understand where my path through recovery may be headed. as i approach the anniversary of my clean date, which is looming large in the near future, i fall into the trap of trying to figure out where i am in my journey towards who the f*ck knows. where once upon a time i **knew** where i was headed, now i am clueless. that “destination” certainly may not have been “cured” of addiction, but the more i consider that notion, the more i see it as a distinct possibility ↪ i was looking forward to the day i could once again use and not spin down into the pit of despair that i had been lifted from, all those days ago. there certainly is a story here that i have polished over and over again and kept to myself, after all, what would my peers think, if i allowed them to see this little secret.
the weird part of all of this, is why i was so obtuse to what has been going on within me, since the day i came to the rooms. i can understand it being part and parcel of my behavior in the times between the first meeting i attended and my clean date. even during those eighteen months of abstinence. to be still rolling around in my head, these days, especially seeing how far i have come since i finally became a member is more than a little disturbing. it is as one of the men i sponsor repeats over and over again, i want to be different and in being different i can be “cured” of addiction. it goes back to the notion that it is the fault of those members that were in the rooms when i got clean, they MADE me an addict! having this come to the surface when i am cruising through my clean time to another anniversary of my clean date, is probably a good thing. no matter how much i say i am “focused on my journey” i am certainly still obsessed with the “destination,” whatever that may be.
this notion of a journey without a destination is bothersome to me. perhaps using the metaphor of a journey for my life in recovery is no longer adequate for my feeble little mind, and i need to uncover one that fits better. i could write on and on about the possible choices i could make for its replacement, but i think i will leave it at that and see where i sit with after a day or so. i do know this: the inertia of staying clean is a gift that i am grateful for, today. i have decided to maintain that motion by staying clean, just for today. my over-complicated system of justification and rationalization need not be the outside force that alters the path of that motion, regardless of where it happens to be headed. with that in mind, i can set forth on my journey to work and all that entails, just for today.

∞ DT ∞