Blog entry for:

well my behavior over the weekend just reinforces the feeling that i do not know shit about myself, my recovery or my place in the world. i would like to think that as time passes, i do some step work and learn about how to do life i would be getting better. and then i do something that blows that whole idea out of the water and i end up rationalizing and justifying and begin to wonder if this is really working for me.
i still retaliate when i feel cornered. i still fight back blow for blow when i feel bullied, i still take cheap parting shots and i still need to have the final word. stuff i thought i had worked on and resolved, comes back and i end up hurting those who care the most about me.
so here i sit today wondering if anything has really changed and keep coming back to the line "we do not recover overnight." will i ever be able to live up to the expectations of those who love me? i mean seriously, if every time i take a stand, i hurt someone else what is the point? so i have to go back to the second step and remember a POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF CAN RESTORE ME TO SANITY, if i allow the restoration process to happen. part of the remorse and bitterness i am feeling over my actions is that restoration process. if i choose to remember the consequences of acting-out of self-will this time, perhaps the next time i will behave in a different manner and have a different outcome. you know, i think that is what the reading is about -- when i lose a battle to self-will, look at it for what it is: just another symptom of a disease that i will suffer from until the day i die, go back and clean-up behind myself if possible and try and do better the next time.
∞ DT ∞