Blog entry for:

further along in in recovery than i am. some days i feel the exact opposite, i feel that i am right where i am supposed to be. today? well today i am somewhere in between. i am wondering if i should ask a friend and confidant, if he threw me under the bus, by telling someone, my feelings and impressions. i certainly am detecting some major weirdness, and yet i am not quite certain that my confidence has been violated, or if those reactions are the result of them getting a clue or two about how i have been acting. interesting proposition, and one i will need to investigate further, when i get the notion to jump.
yes i am in those final days before my clean date, and for a change i feel mostly good about where i am at. this whole exercise of looking for how i found joy in my life today, has been quite eye-opening. for one, i have discovered the less i track what my friends in active addiction are doing, the more joy i feel. so when one posts in the middle of the night, that they got married, i can say,m nothing to see here, move along, after all, don't you know spouses cannot be forced to testify against each other in court, and in Colorado, you are married when you say you are, so it all sort of fits in a sick and cynical manner.
i am also starting to find joy in a job well-done. i recently got a project back in my lap for some upgrades and improvements, and i can see what has been tacked on by others, willy-nilly and haphazardly as it were. there was some hacky stuff i had done, and this was just an example of someone falling into my hacky traps. now i get a second chance to wipe out the hacks and clean up the mess that is the application right now. it is my task of the day and i find myself looking forward to getting there and sinking my teeth into the that project.
what i am especially finding some joy in today, is spending time with the woman i love. even when our time together is limited for one reason or another, i get a certain satisfaction just being in the same room with her and sharing a meal. yes it would be nice to spend more time together, but our schedules, work wise are greatly divergent and it just happens that the time we get together is precious.
so all in all, i guess i am right where i want to be, nutz enough to wonder if peering into the window of active addiction is something i want to engage in today. secure enough in my talents and who i am, that i can go to work and give them a full days worth of work. and confident enough to not really give a flying fVck who knows what, it is not the knowledge that bothers me, it is how it was acquired and at any time i could ask and stop wondering, it is as simple as that. it really is time for me to head on over to work.

∞ DT ∞