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conscience! of course, one might say that they are guided by the will of GOD, i am not one of those. i certainly have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide for my needs, if i am awake and paying attention to the world around me. i also have FAITH in the program of recovery that has brought me this far and has provided a framework for living, that i lacked in active addiction and when i was merely abstinent, phoning it in. it through that FAITH that i have developed the conscience that i lacked, for so long. the source material implies that i always had one, a conscience that is, and my using allowed me to ignore it. i might challenge that statement in my own personal experience, because whatever choices i made or did not make boils down to a few criteria:

• can i get away with it and if not, do i have a scapegoat?
• does it further my current purpose?
• does it make me look better in the eyes of others?

getting clean and living clean, removed the first two, rather quickly and that functionality was replaced by my sleeping conscience. the last one took a minute and once i was released from that, i was finally free to follow my conscience and my intuition, as to what may actually be the next “right” thing to do. i am often amazed how i will choose to do something that actually provides little or no benefit to me, such as when someone comes to me in confidence, and i actually honor their request to keep it on the down-low. over the past few days i certainly have been tested as to my discretion about the stuff other people have dumped into my lap. i know they were looking to lighten their load and i am grateful that i was able to assist them to do so, but for some reason, instead of dumping their shit into the bit bucket, it keeps rolling around in my head, no matter how many times i surrender it and attempt to let it go. i know the next correct move is to keep their confidence until whatever happens, happens and deal with the fallout then and there. my desire, however, i to share what i know, just so others may have a heads up about what is happening in real-time. this is where conscience comes in, i will keep my burden, send “thoughts and prayers” that the worst case does not come about, even if i have my doubts about that, and move along into my day. it is, after all, a good day to be clean and to have my conscience clear, by not cratering into DESIRE, just for today.

∞ DT ∞