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that odd that i would come into recovery believing that all my ills would be cured, the microsecond i stopped using? is it that strange and unusual that i would have the expectation that once i started **practicing** a program of recovery, on any level, i would get ALL the gifts that freedom from active addiction has to offer? to be nostalgic about what i thought recovery was all about and what would happen if i stayed clean for long enough, makes my giggle when i see how ironic it all is.
one of the issues i have with meetings in my home town is that the treatment denizens that choose to grace our meeting have taken to making a meeting into their warped version of Rocky Horror Picture Show, chanting in unison to the questions in the readings. not only is it distracting and tedious, they really have no idea of how ridiculous they sound, when they say “OKAY,” as not a single one of them have any clue about what it means to recover out in the real world. i could go on about why i think that, but suffice it to say, it is a practice that is driving me to seek another meeting. i may not be the most patient and tolerant addict in any given room, but if i find it disturbing enough to the point of me seeking a different venue for my recovery, i am quite sure others feel the same. just to make it perfectly clear, i do not find the RHP version of the readings, fun, cute or amusing. i guess i have not grown enough in my days clean to find it in my heart to hang and wait for them to tire of this “flavor of the month.”
what i have been finding lately, is that when i CHOOSE to make an effort to get to a meeting, instead of just roll on over to the local meeting, i get a bit more out of that meeting. lately i have been trekking to an out of town meeting every other week, and it is small, isolated and newish. what i am discovering is a bit of the passion that has been lacking in my program. i am looking at what it is in my ;life and my program that i am powerless over, and one of the those “favorite” things, is my feeling surrounding what does and does not happen at meetings. specifically if i feel better walking out of a meeting than i felt when i walked in. i EXPECT to be enlighten and uplifted every single time i attend a meeting and am sorely disappointed when those in attendance fail to fulfill my overblown expectations. as bad as that sounds, when i am sitting there fuming and fretting over what i think is trivial superficial tripe, i more often than not think that why cast my so-called pearls of wisdom before these relapse bound swine, after all they will not get it and it is a waste of my time and breath to even consider doing so. i forget i have an obligation and live in my unmet expectations and twist it all around so it is all their FVCKING fault. excellent work when i can get it!
does that mean i am going to run right out and embrace the worst offenders? heck no, i am far from that spiritually fit today. it does mean that i will continue to seek what i need and when the time comes, perhaps flash some real clean time in all their faces and let them know in my 3 minutes and 35 seconds of sharing time, that if they want anything like what i have then they should stop trying to be so cute and sit down shut their pie-holes and actually listen to what the actual members of this fellowship are trying to tell them. quite the spiritual awakening!? no what i think i NEED to do is to get over my bad self, put a bit of time and distance between myself and what i feel is the bane of my existence and allow myself the opportunity to allow my passion to diffuse my expectations, just for today.

∞ DT ∞