Blog entry for:

i cannot undo the damage in a day. i heal and recover bit by bit -- not overnight, but over time. this is, as i have commented on before, on of those readings that over the course of my recovery has been especially poignant for me. for lots of reasons, BUT the foremost being that it falls within thirty days of my clean date anniversary. coming within that slice ‘o time, when i am almost always absolutely, positively fVckin’ nutz. with this not so gentle reminder. in the years past, it has relived a bit of the insanity i have felt at the end of my annual cycle and allowed me to move forward in my recovery. this year things are way different. as the eleventh step finishes working me, and it will, i find that i am not so focused on what i have and have not done in this spin of the calendar. for whatever reason, i feel nothing but gratitude as i approach my clean date, and a sense of forgiveness for all of my inadequacies, imagined and real. so even though the reminder is something i need, it lacks the bite of years past, and that has me wondering.
i wonder…
i wonder…
i wonder what is really going on inside my pointy little head? well for whatever reason, these days, i am starting to feel that there are no biggies for me to face. yes, i am experiencing and economic downturn. yes there are sponsees from whom i have not heard in over a month. yes, my sponsor is nursing some serious injuries. yes i am stuck between Steps 11 and 12. yes i have a pile of work on my desk that needs to be completed by Monday. in the past any one of these would have driven into some sort of whirling dervish of anxiety and fruitless hyperactivity. today, i look at all of that, and have the ability to sort out what is what and move forward, constructively and with purpose, as i realize that those things that are on in the list, that i have the power to affect and those things i do not. that list is not a function of my recovery progress, it is just a brief inventory of my life in this moment of time. having that sense of detachment from what may or may not be insurmountable problems id quite a new feeling for me, and can only be a result of the work i have done on myself through the process of the steps. speaking of progress, it is time to see if i can break the distance barrier that has been thwarting me the last few weeks. i will ends with this thought thought: i am grateful that i am clean today, and although there are times when i think and feel that i am not getting better fast enough, i need to remember from whence io came -- a pit of despair and spiritual nothingness, and allow myself the freedom to recover, just as i am supposed to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞