Blog entry for:

in my recovery? ironically, for me anyhow, this question is one that rarely pops off the top of the stack. HOWEVER, the fact that this reading comes less than thirty days before my clean date anniversary, gets me considering how far i have yet to go, every single year. i am sure that if i did a quick trip through my posts in years gone by, there might actually be some reports of “positive findings.” the truth of this matter is, that i am my own worst critic and a cynic to boot. i know that many of my peers speak as if those two traits are undesirable and keep them trapped in cycles of “negativity.” i, however, accept that is who i am and am learning to live more naturally aligned to those facts of my life. many of those same peer, who profess to be on a higher path, really seem to think that no one is watching their less than stellar behaviors and when busted putting their hands in the cookie jar, shift the blame on to addiction and being human. i get that no one wants to see themselves as a collection of defects, shortcomings and human failings, but in my world, that is who i am. the foil top being that way, at least for me, comes in how well i manifest my recovery program in my daily life.
i have gone down a path that i wanted to avoid. instead of deleting that little bit of criticism, i have decided to use it as part of the corpus of this entry. over the past year, well probably for longer than that, i have been coming to terms with HOW i show the world who i really am. i have been a master of deception, hiding my “true” self in plain sight, with shmear of lies and patina of respectability.when someone spots something i am unwilling to reveal, a quick diversion into a bit of gossip or philosophical discussion on some arcane point of this spiritual program, save me once again from being found out. for me, it is all smoke and mirrors and making sure no one sees that man behind the curtain. finding a new and different way to behave seems to be easier when i “feel” my way to the next right thing to do, instead of try to figure it out. more and more, i am finding less satisfaction in being “seen” in all the right places and am getting in touch with my motives for having that desire in the first place. i want to be the big fish in the small pond, by temperament and am learning through the example of my peers that i can let go of that need and just be. i do not want to be a “role model,” but i have little choice in that, as i am still showing up, on occasion at meetings in my local fellowship.
where does all this lead? it leads to the fact that over the past year, learning humility is what my path is all about. i make absolutely no claims as to how well i have achieved that particular lesson. i do know better who and what i am, and am much better at living in that manner. perhaps this“big fish” is finally getting shrunken down to his correct size, that is all this addict can certainly hope for, just for today.

∞ DT ∞