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and my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery will strengthen.
this morning, however, all of that feels like pie in the sky, Pollyanna bullsh!t, in many respects. i did not get the job. i sat through a very unpleasant meeting last night and i am sitting on day 2 of two days off from running, so i am not in the best of spirits today. WAH-WAH-WAH!
when do i get mine!
on the other hand, i have work on my desk,. i GET to be of service this afternoon, i am on DAY 2 of a two vacation from running and most importantly of all, i am clean today. yes the ravages of active addiction are not manifest in my life today, and yes i CHOSE to be victimized by the meeting last night. when i flip that coin over, my sense of entitlement diminishes, but does not disappear. things could be a lot worse, as was demonstrated by the members i chose to allow to take me hostage last night.
i have used the word chose twice in the last paragraph, and as i start to really get down to the nitty-gritty of what i going on with me, i really detest the fact that i still make bad decisions and can still blame others (see above) for the way i am feeling. sometimes i find that taking responsibility for my recovery is such a pain in the a$$, that is so much easier just to offshore that responsibility onto the rest off the members and people who are part of my life.
so at nearly fifteen years clean, i would think, that all of this would be long in the past. i would have thought that i accepted responsibility for my recovery 24-7 and that i was beyond, placing the blame for how i felt on others and way beyond being full of petty little feelings like jealousy and envy. because that is all it really is. after all, if i shared the kind of stuff they did, how the fVck would i look. people have expectations of me, and they have expectations that in some small sense clean time does equal recovery, and i share them as well. i expect to get better every day i am clean, and that does not seem all that outrageous or even unreasonable.
which when you get down to it, this reading is a great one for me. coming within the official crazy days of the month before my clean date anniversary, it reminds me that like others i see, i can be abstinent, but far from active recovery. it reminds me to take the extra time i need before stomping away into situations with attitudes that will certainly cause new amends to be added to my EIGHTH STEP list, or at the minimum something i have to promptly admit where i was wrong. either of those options just suck in my not so humble opinion.
so where does that leave me? well it leaves me ready to let go of my expectations of myself and what i think i need to do, to be a healthy, wealthy and wise individual today. it leaves me in a state of powerlessness and with the HOPE that i can and will be relieved of my current brand of insanity, IF i can make a decision and surrender ,my will and my life into the the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, at least in the here and now. then and only then, can i be receptive to the gifts i am being given, even if they taste like the Chinese herbs i get from my acupuncturist to heal me. it is, after all, a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞