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the steps helped me to resolve those regrets. in doing so, i find a joyous sense of freedom. what a difference a day makes, today has already started off better than yesterday, and who knows what it will bring.
the reading spoke to me this morning about moving beyond my past, and the irony is that i was talking to a sponsee and said almost the exact same thing, in almost the exact same words last night. very spooky, it is liked this stuff has become ingrained in my mind and i just happen to be able to parrot it out as needed. i am, gratefully, way past the parrot cookie-cutter stage of my recovery. not that, that stage was a bad place to be, after all, spouting off a cliché at will, when it truly applied, taught me how to apply what those platitudes really embodied. besides, in that phase of my recovery, it was all i could do to just stay clean.
this reading is not about being able to spout off chunks of text at will, what i heard this morning is that if i work the steps, and make it through steps four through nine, i no longer have to look over my shoulder with fear, wondering who or what is coming to get me.
it has been my experience, that has come to pass for me, i every time i see one of my fellow members dallying along in steps one through three i want to slap them upside their head and say what the FVCK are you waiting for? it is quite a gift to have my past put into perspective, and as i was telling my sponsee last night, with my past in perspective, i am not defined by my past. i can now be defined by what i am doing in the here and now. that defines who i will be tomorrow and once again i get to define who i am in that slice of time, and so on. in short i can become more than i ever was, and more than i am today, accessing the experience of my sordid past, but no longer defined by the guilt and shame i once felt over how i was.
all of this and more is part of the gifts i have received from the single promise of FREEDOM from ACTIVE ADDICTION! speaking of that, my secret or should i say not so secret FEAR has yet to pop up and consume today. i will gratefully accept that gift and move on to go and work out. it is a good day to be a recovering addict.

∞ DT ∞