Blog entry for:

sense of freedom, once i finally learned to accept my past for what it is, THE PAST! do i have regrets about the time i wasted in active addiction? i do, those moments when i saw the world through the swirl of chemical haze, can never be recovered. do i have regrets about what i did, while under the influence or when trying to achieve that state? yes sir, i certainly do!do i live my days in remorse, guilt and shame, over those regrets? not anymore, i see that what i have done, i have done and there is no way to go back in time to the first time i suspected that perhaps getting high was not such a good idea. although i deny that i ever had the notion that getting high was not paying off, i can think a more than a handful of times i considered that maybe it was the drugs. those notions were quite fleeting, as the story i told myself the first time i got high took over and suppressed any rational thinking form that point forward. the steps, however have taken the power from my past, and when i get regretful and wonder about what “might have been,” i remember that i can live in the here and now. the process of working the twelve steps has removed the power my past once exerted upon me. La-De-Dah, all is well, time to move along as there is nothing to see here.
all that brightness and light stuff is certainly who i am, in part. i do my best to act all dark and cynical, but the truth is, i am far from all “positive” or “negative” and no matter how hard i try and deny either the Yin or the Yang, the fact is, i am composed of both. today, for instance, i am attempting to reach my first fitness goal. two or so years ago, i failed to summit Mount Bierstadt, due to my general lack of physical condition. a little over ninety days ago, i commenced on a fitness program, albeit to earn money for my Health Savings Account. i have met the requirement to get their maximum contribution and yet i still find myself doing what i did to earn my “reward.” a funny thing happened on the way to today, i actually started to get intangible rewards that provided a positive feedback loop. i lost weight, i feel better, i snore less and IMHO, i look so much better. i could have stopped my fitness program in early July and put my fitness tracker away in a drawer somewhere. instead, i have been training to make the three and a half mile journey to 14,060 feet above sea level. i will of course report the results tomorrow.
these days, i have a desire to live and live well. part of living well, at least in my book, is getting more fit, spiritually, emotionally as today finally demonstrates, physically. the time has come to put into action what i ahve been planning to do for several months, the theoretical now meets reality and hopefully reality will not bite!.

∞ DT ∞