Blog entry for:

on where i am going, because i am less remorseful and regretful about my past. the reading seems to promise FREEDOM from remorse and regret, and if i was some sort of saintlike spiritual guru, who was far and beyond most of my peers, i could see that happening. instead, what i GET, most of the time is the ability to place my past into proper perspective.as much as i like being in the spotlight and playing at having any sort of “enlightenment,” the truth is i am fully human and suffer spiritual and emotional lapses, that create a maudlin state in my life. this seems especially true, as i approach the anniversary of my clean date, and although it has been “quieter” this year, it has been more pervasive and longer lasting. i may no longer be a “victim” of my past, but i certainly am not free from regret and remorse about those “lost” years. moving into what i “heard” this morning.
looking forward is a nice state of being, and i wholeheartedly embrace the concept. for me, the reading evoked a feeling of gratitude, rather than HOPE. once upon a time, i was saddled with excuses, rationalizations, justifications and entitlement, when it came to looking at my “here and now.” today, after my event-like meeting last night, i GET that it is truly some sort of miracle, if you will, that i have any days clean, much less the pile of them, that i have accumulated. sitting down and speaking with my sponse the other day, started a thread within me, that was resonating this morning, as i sat, namely a feeling that clean time, especially days upon days, IS important and something that i need not be dismissive of, or minimize away. the problem, at least for me, is how do i balance the fact that i am and have been clean for a length of time, with my tendency to move into pride, conceit and grandiosity? the key for me, is looking at what my payoff is at the opposite ends of the spectrum. when i minimize, am i trying to fit in, or am i falling into a state of hubris, by pretending that i believe clean time is unimportant. when i get all “peacocky” and strut my stuff, am i trying to separate myself from the crowd and compensating for low self-esteem and lack of confidence? certainly a set of interesting contrasts to consider. i am not going to go on and on this morning as the tools at work are screaming for my attention and i am in NEED of a quick refill on my caffeine levels. life is good this morning and yes, i have some clean time. i am grateful for a job that will allow me to do more than “keep the lights on,” even though it is not what i want to be doing, on a daily basis. i GET to work from the comfort of my own home and when i need to, pop out to release my frustration, which i need to do right now. it is a good day to be clean and i have decided to do whatever it takes to keep my chain of days clean, intact.

∞ DT ∞