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one of the groups i happen to lurk in, on FaceBook, are fellowship **purists.** in my opinion, they are of the mindset that nothing good has happened to the fellowship since the late 1980s, and if any one dares to post an opinion contrary to that point of view, they dog-pile the heretic and pound them into dust. i have posted a few things, that steps out of line with their dogma and the clichés and memes that followed were so absurd that i laughed for hours. their zeal in protecting what they see as the “pure” message makes them true laughingstocks, as the rest of the world moves forward. i use this as an example, because like the group i have been and can be, just like that group, literally and figuratively. it has taken step work, time within the fellowship and the development of close relationships to see, that pride and prejudice will not attract the new members on which my recovery depends. having a history, maintain the traditions and protecting the local fellowship from itself, is all very nice, and i have used those so-called reasons, to justify all sorts of shady shite across the course of helping to establish our local fellowship. despite all my self-willed crap, that fellowship survived and thrives today. i see the future of my recovery is based in my need top have a constant influx of newer members walking in the door and more importantly sticking around. everything that i did, way back when, was because i BELIEVED i had ALL the answers, and i am grateful today, that i do not. just as i am the man i am today, because of my past, does not mean i need to be trapped by that past.
yes, let me say it again. i am who i am because of my past. my choices, good or bad. the consequences of those choices, desirable or not. my bias, and prejudices. my hubris and arrogance. my education in the classroom and out in the streets and what has happened since i got clean, all have created the person i am today. herein lies the problem, i happen to like who i am today, so why bother to do anything more to foster change? i have a career, a relationship, financial; success, a strong program and self-esteem, what more could i possibly want? once again, it comes down to DESIRE. what is my DESIRE today and what are my NEEDS and are the two synchronous? do i really NEED to go to meetings, work steps, sponsor other addicts, and serve the fellowship, after all i have some clean time and have paid my “dues.” when do i get to rest on my laurels and reap the rewards?
as one can see, there is a very slippery slope here. my DESIRE is to have all the rewards of living a program, my NEEDS are to have the ability to choose to stay clean, no matter what. in one sense they are not misaligned at all, after all, to reap the benefits of recovery, i have to stay clean today, no matter what. if i want to continue to grow, then i must live a program and allow myself to be altered through that process. what worked back in the nineties, may not work anymore for me today,. i can stagnate behind a wall of dogma and bullsh!t or i can continue to all myself to evolve into something more. just because what i do today, does not match what i did in the past, does not mean i am any less committed to my recovery and fostering that evolution. i am grateful that the POWER that fuels my recovery, gave me the clarity of thinking to stop trying to control the direction of our local fellowship and allow it to grow into something more. by putting another service opportunity into my life, i GOT to find a fresh, vibrant and growing fellowship when i was well enough to return. today, i know i can put my FAITH into my, that they will do the next right thing, even if i vehemently disagree, just for today.

∞ DT ∞