ฮผ where i come from ceases to be the most important thing about me. it is where i am going that counts. ฮผ
Posted: Tue, Aug 29, 2006 06:52:26 AM
and for me that gift is one that i treasure the most. it saddens me to see members that are trapped in their past. constantly reliving the horrors of their active addiction, incapable of seeing themselves as more than a victim of circumstances that forced them to use the very first time. and it is not actually sympathy that i am feeling, rather it is a feeling of empathy. i too remember how it felt to be trapped in my past like a fly in amber. i could make out the details of the world around me, but those details were colored by my past. what i perceived and what was really occurring were often to different things, although one could argue that they appeared quite similar.
and just like that fly, my past froze me into a manner of living from which i could never free myself. that existence was painfully slow to be released. after all for this addict it took nine full steps before that amber started to melt, the completion of that step cycle and another nine steps before i truly got freed from the oh so beautiful yet deadly trap that my past had created for me. and even today i can sense myself sometimes looking longingly at that piece of amber wondering if after all that place may not be a bad one to crawl back into, yes, the fit was tight -- in fact it fitted me perfectly! and yes i will die in that trap, slowly suffocating as i withdraw from the world, but at least i will not have to face life on life’s terms on a day to day basis. and after a minute of consideration, i doubt i can still fit into that trap anymore, i have grown beyond my past and continue to grow into more than i have ever been. so i if i want to return to that trap, i am sure the part of me that i call my disease can reconstruct it to fit the new and improved version of me. and that though is a quite sobering -- ;-) -- one this morning.
so i guess i will continue to let go of my past, let ernesto do what he will and be happy that at least the only thing i am twisting about today is a tropical storm over a thousand miles away, in a place i hope to be on friday!
and just like that fly, my past froze me into a manner of living from which i could never free myself. that existence was painfully slow to be released. after all for this addict it took nine full steps before that amber started to melt, the completion of that step cycle and another nine steps before i truly got freed from the oh so beautiful yet deadly trap that my past had created for me. and even today i can sense myself sometimes looking longingly at that piece of amber wondering if after all that place may not be a bad one to crawl back into, yes, the fit was tight -- in fact it fitted me perfectly! and yes i will die in that trap, slowly suffocating as i withdraw from the world, but at least i will not have to face life on life’s terms on a day to day basis. and after a minute of consideration, i doubt i can still fit into that trap anymore, i have grown beyond my past and continue to grow into more than i have ever been. so i if i want to return to that trap, i am sure the part of me that i call my disease can reconstruct it to fit the new and improved version of me. and that though is a quite sobering -- ;-) -- one this morning.
so i guess i will continue to let go of my past, let ernesto do what he will and be happy that at least the only thing i am twisting about today is a tropical storm over a thousand miles away, in a place i hope to be on friday!
∞ DT ∞