Blog entry for:

more than a few regrets about my past, although at the time, medicating away my regrets seemed like the best way to handle them. finally back at this.
what a bust freaking morning, for day two of five away from work. my car is fixed again, the rental car returned, the spam filters updated, the files sent over and the dishes done and put away. next on my agenda? a gar and some volunteer work, that has many rewards.
my past? well, this time of year, i am always going over how i felt those final days. honestly, i did not feel much. i felt angry about being caught and felt great getting away with using, even though i looked like i was compliant. as those final days were rolling to the closing curtain, i thought about who i was and what i did, less and less. it was not until my a$$ was really in a sling that i felt anything else. life was almost good, as it felt the justice system was almost out of my life, i got to use every month, and best of all i got to take sobriety chips, as i was not drinking, the loophole was there and i dove right through it. so it goes, always looking for the easier softer way, was without a doubt my modus operendi.
when i finally got clean, and my head finally started to clear, i had a few regrets, the biggest being that i GOT CAUGHT! after dealing with that little piece of garbage, i was ready to start to look at who i was. i did not think i had harmed anyone but myself. i did not think i had wasted away my youth being wasted. i did not think that my sexual appetites harmed anyone. the list went on, the things that i could have been regretful about, were eliminated through my Chinese firewall of denial. the steps, however superficially i worked them, changed a whole sh!tload of my attitudes, and by the time i reached step eight i was certainly full of regrets.
the rest was history. i stayed clean, made the transition to the best recovery program for someone like me, worked some more steps, and as i grow and the steps work their painful magic on my, my past becomes just that, my past: the sum total of who i was, and the raw material for who i am becoming. the regrets that i finally felt, have been swept away into the white noise of my here and now, and i am grateful that i GET to walk away from my past, whole, genuine and certainly more self-aware.
today, i have very few regrets, and am not dwelling in the past. perhaps that is why my normally crazy season, is not nearly as crazed as it has been in the past. it is a good day to be clean and more importantly a great day to be on this side of the grass. so it is off to my project and into a smoke filled patio as i learn how to do what i am well-paid to do.

∞ DT ∞