Blog entry for:

my past, still come back to haunt me, especially since the emotional bomb that was my last FIFTH STEP. i am often confused and more than once i have been hit with waves of remorse over the opportunities i missed because of my reaction to an event way back in my ancient history. i may have forgiven the perpetrator of that event, but have yet to find a path to forgiving myself for taking on a message that event was triggered because i was broken. i know i have yet to complete the steps that follow, as i have been hesitant to move into my SIXTH STEP. i have though it was a blessing that my sponse has not responded but now it is probably time to call him and set-up some time to talk about where i am and where i need to go.
this morning, as i sat, what i heard was that i am the one that is giving up my personal power to the FEAR that maybe, the lie i believed forever, is actually true. by camping between STEPS FIVE and SIX, i do not have to explore that notion and i GET to stay as sick as i want to be. there is a payoff to staying sick. i get to feel poorly about myself and then can take on ever slightest bit of disrespect from others as personal attacks, justifying my anger and rage by blaming it all of them. a very familiar behavior that i honed to a fine skill in active addiction. of course, realizing that, starts the whole cycle over again and <BOOM> here i am. what i seek, for reals, is the freedom to break that cycle and be okay with where i am, without seeking outside validation or stimulation.
of course i could continue down this well-trodden path and go on and on. instead,i believe i will just take a breath, forgive myself fore spinning in this cycle again and do something good for myself, a few miles of road work and buckets of sweat, before i get out and about. i can say this before i go, the climb i did yesterday was exhilarating, scary and definitely got my heart pumping and left me with a desire to do even more. living life large, on an exposed edge., close to fourteen thousand feet above sea level, filled some sort of need, which just may be indicative of the fact that once an adrenaline junkie, always an adrenaline junkie. 😆 it is a great day to be clean, alive and yes, even walking around in my skin.

∞ DT ∞