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well hopefully, that little bit sunshine did not take you by surprise. do not however, get used to me being all bright and shiny, as this little exercise will go down a rabbit-hole or two before i am done. what i face daily, is a plethora of first-world problems, as these days i can feed, clothe and house myself, with very little stress or worry. it is true, that when i was using, i may not have worried or stressed out about doing so, but i barely survived with a roof over my head, clean clothes or three square meals a day. in fact most days, i was happy to eat once a day, as long as i got high. as getting high is not an option i chose to pursue today, i definitely need something else, and so far, recovery has done that trick.
the “nice” part of writing this so late in the day, i can see what i felt, way back when and how my interactions with the world, altered that. this morning was one of those days where reaching the “void” was not attainable, my mind kept tripping back to how awful the current administration is making my life and fVcking with my serenity. i blamed, shamed and generally could not let go of the current mess the world is in today and got up feeling pissed-off. so much for meditation being the key to my serenity today. as i did get an injured reserved workout done and got into my day, i “felt” my way to a better day and the clouds parted and a bit of sun streamed in. all was good, until one of my peers shared about how fVcking spiritual they were, when their behaviors hardly match their words. instead of reacting, i kept my mouth shut and examined why i was so bothered by a bit of hypocritical rhetoric. i am still not sure what it is that pushed me over the line, but where i came to, is accepting the notion that even in denial, they are doing the best they can with what they got. not that i accept hypocrisy on any level, but looking back at myself. i have been there, done that and got the T-shirt. acting as if i am more spiritual than the average bear, is part of me i find intolerable. bragging about how kind and accepting i am, is a very familiar behavior and one that has mostly been removed, so it really is a no-brainer when i detect that bullshit in one of my peers, i go to that place myself.
as i sit here now, with my yard work done, considering how i feel, i get a sense of peace i did not have earlier, perhaps all i needed to do was pound it out. i know i am not the most spiritual guy on the block. i am not the kindest, most forgiving being in existence, nor can i walk on water with my blinding halo, visible for all to see. i do, however, find joy in the fact i have the DESIRE to be something more that i was in the past. i take solace in knowing that when i meditate in the morning tomorrow, i once again have the opportunity to reach the “void” and that if i want to walk through this day, perhaps it is time to finish writing out my resentments and move into the stuff i need to look at, in my FOURTH STEP. with that thought on the top of my head, i will distract myself with some Fantasy Football and perhaps a nap. i said i need to, that i would. 🙃 🤪 🤭

∞ DT ∞