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to change my behavior is certainly a great focus for me today. as i sat last night, i could see that being considerate, rather than attempting to please, was removing one of the barriers that i have erected to block my path towards happiness. as i looked over my day, i saw i was in a much better space when i let go of expecting to be appreciated for doing the next correct thing. as much as i used to confuse those two behaviors, i can clearly see, that living without regrets means accepting what is, whether that is me or someone else. on my drive this morning, i quickly lapsed into not letting that slow car in front of me, even if they had their turn signal on. i do not regret that behavior, but is was not the most stellar thing i did, so far today. the nice part of seeing that now, is that i can adjust my expectations and move on.
as i sat this morning, what kept bubbling up from the depths was my guilty pleasure and how i was going to get past it and move along. i have already owned my part in that affair and made my admission of wrongly treating the person i hammered in public. even though all of that is true, i am not sure how to return their personal power to them, instead of relishing it. my thoughts on that front is to simply let go of who i was, as taking power form others, was what i was all about. i lived in a zero-sum game, that i was going to win, no matter the cost. and that played out in my commute this morning. not my proudest moment and one that i will put in the not so great column and attempt to do better this afternoon on my way home. that is the beauty of being in the here and now.
looking forward i have a meeting tonight about something i have yet to even consider, ideas on how to run a workshop on attracting members to service to our fellowship. in my moments of downtime and certainly as i drive home, i will consider what it was that attracted me and see if i can change that into some concrete notions. unfortunately, it was all about being someone with “power” and looking like a model recovering addict, which is a very poor notion to base a workshop upon. from that seed, i am sure i can find a better path forward. i can unequivocally state that my behavior in service was far from attractive, so i certainly need to go in another direction. more will certainly be revealed as the day rolls on and i let go of trying to find a path and just let it come to me. after all, that is where most of my best ideas come from.

∞ DT ∞