Blog entry for:

in darkness and in light or better put, no matter what! got to admit i am not what many of my peers call a dopeless hope fiend. i do have FAITH and across the course of my recovery, that has become the foundation of the little bit of HOPE that i feel. for me, hope is almost like wishing and FAITH that if i stay in the here and now, work an active program of recovery, i will survive what ever may come my way, is the basic tenet of my recovering self. i know that the program and the source material puts a lot of emphasis on HOPE, and once upon a time, it was what this addict needed to stay clean, the HOPE that IF i stayed clean, i would GET to face another day. after being clean for a minute, i KNOW that IF i stay clean today, i WILL get to face another day, unless of course, i get struck down for having so much hubris. 😉
sitting here at work, pounding this little ditty out, i feel the weight of my clean time upon me as i approach yet another anniversary of the last day i used. i keep coming back to the notion that folks like me, do not get clean, nor do they stay clean, if by some freak of nature they manage to get clean. i know i an exception to that fate, at least today anyhow and i am grateful that i have found the ways and means to stay connected to a program that could have become less than relevant, a long time ago. i have seen many of my peers come and go and not come back again and i HOPE that they too, have found the ways and means to have a life freed from the slavery to addiction, just as i have. my freedom very rarely hangs in the balance, but there are times when i tell myself that i am so much better now that i can have just one. the fact that i have already started counting, shows that i am far from cured and that “one” would be enough to stop the process of becoming someone i can be proud to be and start the process of living a lie, because, of course, i have too much pride to ever admit to my family, friends and peers, that i sampled of the “forbidden fruit,” once again. the easier and much softer way is to live life as i have been doing, working a program of recovery and staying clean, just for today.
HOPE is a good subject for me today, as i have HOPE that my hopeless dope died friend will stay clean long enough to still have some money left and get into treatment. he has been, to say the least, quite a piece of work lately and his excuse for using is that he does not trust his ex-girlfriend to advocate for him and that everyone is against him, because they do not comply to his wishes in real-time. he is way over-entitled and it reminds me that i, too, could fall into that same trap, as i have been there, done that and certainly have more than one T-shirt. i expect a call while i am work today, because he has once again failed to take into account the fact that i have to work and i told him i was going to be in the office today. his failure to look beyond the edge of his senses will once again trap him in frustration and anger, as that is what he knows the best. that is not my stuff and expecting anything different from him would be setting me up for anger and resentment. i may not be perfect and i may be powerless over all sorts of shit, but i do have power over my expectations and what i do with them. today, in this case i will let go and let him twist in uncertainty until i have the time and space to deal with him. i am better than allowing myself to fall into the trap of giving anyone more due than they deserve, and maybe that is how my HOPE is expressed, just for today.

∞ DT ∞