Blog entry for:

...more intimate than any i have ever had. shared laughter, tears, and struggles bring shared respect and lasting empathy. and the flip side, is that as these relationships become more intimate, they also seem to become a bit more tumultuous. not that all relationships are in their very nature power struggles, but as i get to know someone, as i watch how they walk through their life, i develop a respect for them, or sometimes a disrespect. because i feel close to them, i have a tendency to withdraw if i am starting to disrespect them, and of course that becomes a feeding frenzy, every little behavior is then run through the filter and generally what happens is that my disrespect grows. and as it grows, my interactions changes from cold cordiality to quiet rage. so how do i stop this process and amend these relationships? well for one, that answer lies within me, and is the nature of my current recovery assignment. it is not really them i am enraged about, nor is their behavior unacceptable in general. it is me who is the villain here, at least in my own mind. i am one that put the distance between me and the object of my disrespect, because i was afraid for whatever reason, to not speak up and say something when i started to notice their "so-called" slide into the murk. the first step of this process has already been completed, i see my part in this behavior and i accept responsibility. i am now in the second phase, becoming willing to take care of this by taking the action suggested by my sponsor all those weeks ago. if i want intimate relationships then it is up to me, to allow myself to be a full participant. that means instead of people-pleasing when i see something that should be spoken about, i need to speak up and let them know what i am thinking. that is the basis of mutual respect and that is the only way i will grow up into having the sort of relationships i have always desired but was afraid to allow to happen. so it is off to get a few things done and into this busy day.

∞ DT ∞